And from Liz:
"If you want a laugh, check out these clips. I guess Jimmy ends most of his shows with "My apologies to Matt Damon - we ran out of time." His girlfriend decided to take it a bit further..."
And here's Jimmy's response:
- If you can start the day without caffeine,
- If you can get going without pep pills,
- If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
- If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
- If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
- If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
- If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
- If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
- If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
- If you can conquer tension without medical help,
- If you can relax without liquor,
- If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
Harry Peters went to the Australian Tax Office for a job interview.
The interviewer looks at his resume and asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
"Yes, I served 8 years in the army."
"Good, that counts in your favour. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
"I am 100% disabled. A mortar blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you. I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10 tomorrow, and we'll get you started."
"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, this is a government organization. We don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point your coming in for that."
And from Edel:
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date:
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
- Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fire.
- Go Ahead
THIS-IS-A-DARE! Not permission! Don't Do It!
- LOUD Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
- That's Okay ...
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say "you're welcome" (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
Is a women's way of saying "You're an idiot, just get away from me!"
- Don't worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession, a funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line!
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog.
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied
"Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
What happened to her??!
The man replied
"My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further
"Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered
"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied
"Join the queue."
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.
But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake."
Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Click to see the punch line! 🙂