From the Linux fortune command:
Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I’ll have to get back to you on that.
Categories
Month: February 2008
A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood here, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over and tapped Old Nick on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, there, Your Darkness,” he said. “I ‘m waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn’t help wondering why you are tossing some people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?”
“Ah,” Satan said with a grin. “Those are the Irish. I’m letting them dry out so they’ll burn.”
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.
Categories
Paul McCartney
Um, a wee bit tastless:
In a recent Interview regarding his divorce proceedings and future plans Paul McCartney was asked if he would consider going down on one knee again in the future, he replied,
I’d prefer it if you called her Heather.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.
The second says, “I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone.
The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini..”
St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he asked.
“Sara Pipalini” replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
“No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline‘ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
Not quite a joke, but a funny article about GIANT Russian crabs off the Norwegian coast:
http://travel.timesonline.co.uk
An army of red monsters is marching west from Russia. They have eight legs, and huge claws, and they grow up to 6ft wide. They’ll eat anything they can catch. There are 10 million of them, and they’re multiplying rapidly.
So, I ask you, what better way to spend a short break than to nip up to Norway, catch a few with your bare hands and eat them with garlic mayonnaise?
The monsters in question are red king crabs and, while they’re not likely to put an end to the human race, they’re certainly enough to give it a few nightmares. They have shells covered in evil spikes and chillingly complex, insect-like mouth parts, all blown up to outlandish proportions …
And Quentin Tarantino’s take on it, there is some foul language used:
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft, it sank.
Proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband’s sex drive.
“Have you considered trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.
“Not a chance, ” says Mrs. Murphy. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.”
“No problem– there’s away around that, ” replies the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee — he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.”
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires as to how things went.
“Oh doctor, it was horrible, horrible, horrible!”
“What happened?” asks the doctor, aghast.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, ripped my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was horrible!”
“What was horrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not fulfilling?”
“Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to show my face at Starbucks again!”
Categories
Retirement Planning
From Dora:
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
Let people you care about know… and tell them to Start Now!!!