All those Jokes that people send me All those crappy jokes that people e-mail me

20Apr/080

Jokes from Linux fortune command …

Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:

THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly behind this).  Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."

A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers.  Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and general butter-melting by all.

FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off!  Cameo by Walter Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!

17Apr/080

Dusting!

And and oldie from Edel:

Dusting

Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.

"A house becomes a home when you can write "I love you" on the furniture".

I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - "in case someone came over". Finally I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!
NOW,
when people visit, I don't have to explain the "condition" of my home .

They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun.

If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice
Life is short. Enjoy it!


Dust if you must . . .
but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need!
Dust if you must,
but there's not much time ... with beer to drink , rivers to swim and mountains to climb , music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead. Dust if you must, but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes,the wind in your hair,a flutter of snow, a shower of rain.

This day will not come around, again.

Dust if you must,but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind. . .

And when you go - and go you must - you, yourself will make more dust!
Share this with all the wonderful friends in your life.


I JUST DID.

It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.

11Apr/080

The Lie Clock

And one from Ernie:

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

10Apr/080

Thank You!

And this one's from Edel:

Thank you!

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.


Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking their nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ...

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

10Apr/081

Drinking rules

And from Ilya, all about the rules of the pub:

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably
during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a
slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half
martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and
two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

9Apr/080

Bertie’s Swan Song!

And a great one from Gina, and you might need to be Irish and know about Bertie to get this one:

I was petrified
Kept thinking Mahon would find out
About my takings on the side
And I spent so many nights
Thinking how I got it wrong
But I grew strong
When I learned how to play along
But then the banks
Those fecking gays
They went and showed the jaysis court
That I got cash from the UK
I shouldn't have lodged that bloody sterling
I could've spent it on me holidays
If I had known for just one second
All the questions it would raise
So off I go, I'll walk out the door
I'll go to ground now
'Cause I'm not welcome anymore
Weren't you the ones who said it's time to say goodbye?
Health service crumbled
Property market died
Oh no! Now I
I will resign
Now the shit has hit the fan
And the country's in decline
I've done my share of theft
And no credibility left
So I'll resign
I will resign
It took all the guile I had
To look the injured part
Keep trying to pretend
The public broke my heart
And I spend oh so many nights
Just looking sorry for myself
But I'm good at lyin'
Inside I'm laughing all the time
And you'll soon see me
Somebody new
I'll get my government pension
Hey I'm not done with screwing you
I know how to milk the state
I learned all yer tricks, Haughey
Now I'm saving all my backhanders
For an island off Kerry
Ho ho! Now I
I will resign
And I'll get three hundred grand
Instead of doing any time
I've got an easy life to live
Two fu*ks I couldn't give
About your cryin'
When I resign...

7Apr/080

Chewing the Fat!

And some funny Scottish humour, or humor for everyone on the West side of the Atlantic! 🙂

2Apr/080

Depressed?

And another one, albeit a bit tasteless, from Gina:

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck ...

2Apr/080

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING!

No-one's been sending joke, however Gina sent us a few! Thanks Gina.

Do not lose your grandkids in the shopping mall!

My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said:

'I've lost my grandpa!'

The cop asked:

'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied:

'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'