All those Jokes that people send me All those crappy jokes that people e-mail me

4May/090

Retirement Bonus

Another from Ernie!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

1May/090

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains. They're going to be called....

'Pre-dick-a-mints!'

1May/090

CEO of the Week

Another great joke from Ernie, I doubt if this really happened at Harley Davidson, but it's funny.

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting all the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On his first tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO then took out his wallet, handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT OF HERE and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here? '

From across the room came a voice: