The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.
Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.
It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.
.
.
.
.
.
Twice.

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read f a st. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be a ble to send you the a ddress because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine although I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the truck yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, she said it looks just like you, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt daddy or an uncle daddy.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

'What was that for?' he asked.

'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.

'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation '

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'

She replied...

'Your horse called.'

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2011/01/14/mad-wife-disease/

"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said,

"There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said,

"Sure we can! - Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said,

"You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

"How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Thanks for that one Edel!

Original Posting at http://www.timony.com/jokes/2010/11/30/723/

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but certainly not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Ultimate True Test:

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner (wrench). Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!