How to sell toothbrushes.
From Ernie:
The kids filed back into class Monday morning .. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off:
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained
To everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher,
"What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
The Lady is a Tramp
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my MP3 Player.
A letter from Home
From Ernie. This is almost the same as one I heard in Ireland titled "An Irish Mother's letter to her son". My apologies to Red Necks everywhere.
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read f a st. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be a ble to send you the a ddress because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine although I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the truck yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, she said it looks just like you, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt daddy or an uncle daddy.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt, Mom
Mad Wife Disease
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.
'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation '
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'
She replied...
'Your horse called.'
Market Research & Vaseline.
And our first joke from Pat!
A man doing market research knocks on a door. He is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around. "I'm doing research for Vaseline," he says:
"Do you use it?"
"Yes, We use it for sex".
The researcher is a little taken back.
"Can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says:
"My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
3 Old Grannies!
Three old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,
"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said,
"There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said,
"Sure we can! - Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said,
"You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
"How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...
Only a mother would know …
One from Ilya.
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me I was maybe 2 and a half years old. Someone had given me a little ’tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea’, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ’just the cutest thingl' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for my Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know)
Morning Sex
This is one of the funniest jokes I've received in a while. Thanks for the Ernie!
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained,
For all the Blondies
Sorry, another bad blonde joke, from Ernie!
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Tasmania, Australia.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being! Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people! Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mate! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!!!"
Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
And another bad Irish joke from Edel. Funny how only Irish people send me jokes about the Irish!
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far,"
Said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"But for a million euro you've only got one life-line left a phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question..... Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million euro!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"