For all the Blondies
Sorry, another bad blonde joke, from Ernie!
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Tasmania, Australia.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being! Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people! Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mate! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!!!"
Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
And another bad Irish joke from Edel. Funny how only Irish people send me jokes about the Irish!
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far,"
Said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"But for a million euro you've only got one life-line left a phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question..... Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million euro!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
Her Fourth Husband!
From Ernie:
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but certainly not least:
“Hollywood Squares”…
From Ernie!
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Paddy’s chat up lines
From Edel:
- Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
- Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
- My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
- Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
- Your body reminds me of a spanner (wrench). Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
- You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
Cooter and Gomer.
From Ernie:
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolls him over and Cooter says, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thinks this is rather strange, so he brings Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looks at the body and says, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asks, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer says, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asks the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
- It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
- It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
- It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
- It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
- It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Apple does it again!
A great one from Norm!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Original Post at "Apple Does it Again!"
Top Ten Country & Western Songs are……
Great one from Ernie: