The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

it makes you LEAN.............. ....against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy..'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.  The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!  But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.  With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh!  Plop!  A torso pops out!  The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy.  The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.  The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!  Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild.  The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!  Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.  Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out.  The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.  The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*

(Wait for it.)

*

*

*

(It's coming.)

*

*
(Ya ready?)

*

*

* (Don't hate me!)

*

*

* (Yer gonna hate me!)

*

*

* (Take a deep breath)

*

*

*
" He should've quit while he was a head!

Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN .... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/02/alcohol/

Some times you just have to ask yourself " Will I live to be 80?"

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing at the beach?"
"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He then looked at me and asked,

"Then why do you give a shit?

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably
during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a
slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half
martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and
two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: "Great, now I'm
going to get drunk". "I hate shots". "It's coming back up".

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still
might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle
with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as
the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same
thing?urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the
bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It
will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout "woo-hoo!" if you are doing a shot
with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If
he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If
he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised
how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go
to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you
may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave
them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been
cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two
cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every
jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse
through all the drinks you've never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small
talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're
off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is
$1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has
handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail
waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same",
then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep
their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it
up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then
blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds
after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or
"darling".

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized
brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't
accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring
a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking
English.

56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will
get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will
lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at
all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you", you may
steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent
of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're
ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will
end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you
tip well before and after, regardless of her/his response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are
right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot".

67. Never ask a bartender "What's good tonight?" They do not fly in
the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the
hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your
fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to
sleep with the sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night
of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will
understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're
hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old
arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time
you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks
at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you
dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for
a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is
going to be a hassle, but . . ."

78. When you are in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy
begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.

79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come
back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.

82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if
you're supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts
you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a
handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

• The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
• The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
• The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
• The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service --