Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my MP3 Player.

And the Number One Country& Western song is ...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/25/what-not-to-say-to-the-cops

Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN .... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/02/alcohol/

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who know this is all bullsh*t anyway !

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/02/men-strike-back/

We here in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer, who is married to a bitch, who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman, who owns a beer distributorship.

What are you lads thinking over there?

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably
during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a
slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half
martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and
two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: "Great, now I'm
going to get drunk". "I hate shots". "It's coming back up".

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still
might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle
with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as
the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same
thing?urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the
bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It
will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout "woo-hoo!" if you are doing a shot
with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If
he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If
he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised
how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go
to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you
may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave
them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been
cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two
cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every
jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse
through all the drinks you've never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small
talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're
off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is
$1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has
handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail
waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same",
then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep
their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it
up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then
blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds
after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or
"darling".

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized
brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't
accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring
a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking
English.

56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will
get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will
lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at
all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you", you may
steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent
of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're
ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will
end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you
tip well before and after, regardless of her/his response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are
right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot".

67. Never ask a bartender "What's good tonight?" They do not fly in
the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the
hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your
fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to
sleep with the sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night
of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will
understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're
hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old
arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time
you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks
at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you
dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for
a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is
going to be a hassle, but . . ."

78. When you are in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy
begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.

79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come
back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.

82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if
you're supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts
you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a
handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Let people you care about know... and tell them to Start Now!!!

There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, you're boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!

This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK , put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Buy the antidote known as BEER .

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life. REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!!

All I can say, is thank God it's Friday!