Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman .

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.  Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles' !!!!!!!!!!

AAADD

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS ..... PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back

on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,

since I'm going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,

and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,

but first I need to push the Pepsi aside

so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,

and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,

a vase of flowers on the counter

catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and

discover my reading glasses that

I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,

but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,

but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,

but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,

get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to

remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,

and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,

and I'll try to get some help for it,

but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.

Forward this message to everyone you know,

because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off', the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on, and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

* Get off the merry-go-round - you're pissed (drunk). *

Read text first!
The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish Newspaper..!

1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf

Only 15 km

Only first gear and reverse used

Never driven hard

Original tires

Original brakes

Original fuel and oil

Only 1 driver Owner

Wishing to sell due to employment lay-off

Please see Attached photo….. (scroll down to the next page)

Wait for it…..

This is good…….