6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 'What are my choices?' the man asked.  'Yes or no,' she replied.
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5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
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4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
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3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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2nd Place

A lorry (truck) driver was driving along on a country road.A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead. 'Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,  'Got stuck, eh?' The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol (gas)!'

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SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

Irish Archeology

After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: 'English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.'

One week later, 'The Kerryman,' a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Toole, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing..

Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.'

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
A Message from John Cleese, British comedian to the citizens of the United States of America.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium and nuclear, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing them.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers andtherapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) at roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth and see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors toplay English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). In the meantime don't try rugby, as the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not playedoutside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of allmonies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen!

Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right canhave Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Little Paddy thinks, 'Whoo hooo! I'm bleedin' deadly at General Knowledge. This is gonna be sooo easy!'

Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. "Yes, Farqhuar?"

Farqhuar (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday andwe will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even More determined.

Teacher: 'Who said."We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"

Little Paddy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know.I know. Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe, sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin?"

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: '"Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap For mankind?'"

Little Paddy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing."

Teacher: '"Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming:

"WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?"

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: "Who said that?" Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Patrick Pearse, GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss."

Two English businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other,

'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Irish accent asked

'What are you selling' here

One of the men replied sarcastically,

'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,

'You are doing well ... Only two left!'

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with Irishmen