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food kids sex women

What’s in a name?

Thanks Ernie, another great funny one:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. ‘You all have obsessions,’ he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.’

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, ‘Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy..’

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner.

Categories
american food

And a funny one from Diane, but what I want to know, is who has Chicken for Thanksgiving?

IT’S SO EASY. PERFECT FOR THANKSGIVING

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing — imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try:

  • 4-5 lb Chicken
  • 1 cup melted butter
  • 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
  • 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER’S LOW FAT)
  • Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 Brush chicken well with melted butter , salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken’s ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it’s done.

And, you thought I couldn’t cook…

Categories
food health ill

Doctor Says….

And another great one from Ernie!

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Manchester…

The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

  • Red meat is awful.
  • Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
  • Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
  • High fat diets can be disastrous.
  • None of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’

Categories
american old retirement

Where to live after Retirement?

From Ernie:

You could live in Phoenix Arizona where…..
1.You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You ‘ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that ‘dry heat’ is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6 The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You could Live in California where…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather
than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

Categories
irish tasteless

Crisis as Dublin Floods

More from Edel! There’s been major flooding in Dublin recently (Summer 2008) and this e-mail been doing the rounds:

Finglas was hit badly by the  floods over the weekend. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering  ‘ Whaas da bleeeding Story ?’ ‘aaaaaawright bud’ and ‘fuuuucksake’.

The  flooding decimated the area causing approximately 30 euro worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Benidorm and Santa Ponsa were  damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt cars were destroyed.

Many  locals were woken well before their welfare cheque arrived.

RTE News reported  that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to  the terms with the fact that the damage had not been caused by illegal  means.

One resident : Alexis Crystal Duffy, a 15 year old mother of 5 said  ‘It was such a F***in shock, me little wan Chardonnay Mercedes cem runnin inta  me bedruem cryin, Me youngisst two Tyler Morgan an Megan Brooklyn slept tru ih all. But I was bleeedin  shaken watchin F***in Rikki Laaake in da mornin’

Apparently though, looting, muggings and incidental crime did carry on as usual.

The Irish Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Strongbow, Dutch Gold, Frozen Pizzas, and  John Player Blue to the area to help stricken locals.
Rescue workers are  still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal  belongings, which include Welfare Books and Jewelery including thousands of  Sovereign Rings, many large Medallions and Hash Leaf Shaped earrings from  Elizabeth Duke at Argos also  Fine Bone China from Tommy’s Wonderland of Value.

This Appeal is to raise  money for food and clothing Parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up  in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed  include:

  • Fake Burberry or Kappa Baseball Caps
  • Hoodies (any type)
  • Tommy Hilfiger Tracks Suits (his and hers)
  • Nike/Adidas Shell Suits  (female)
  • White Donnay Sports Socks Rockport Boots (and any other items  usually sold in TK Maxx)
  • Anything from Magic or Unique
  • Food Parcels may  be harder to come by as refrigeration may be a problem, but are needed all the  same.

Required Foodstuffs include:

  • McCains Oven Chips
  • Heinz Baked  Beans
  • Goodfellas Frozen Pizzas
  • Coke/Fanta
  • Strongbow Cider
  • Smirnoff Ice
  • John Player Blue 15s

And Remember That Your Cash  Contribution Also Counts !!!
Just 22c buys a biro for filling in the  compensation forms and Bookies slips
Just 5 euro buys chips, crisps and blue  fizzy drinks for a family of 9
Only 6 euro will pay for a packet of 20 Major  to calm the nerves of those affected.

Thank You Very Much For Your Help.

Categories
american food

Chilli competition

Another one from Ernie, this one’s been doing the rounds for ages, but still funny:

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Apparently, this is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank made this statement to the press before the cook-off started: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge #1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank) – Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.