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dead marriage men priest women

Her Fourth Husband!

From Ernie:

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

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marriage sex

They’re Finally Together

From Ernie:

Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.

Then Ted died of heart disease.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Again Judy remarried, and this time

She & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

“Lord, they are finally together.”

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

“Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?”

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health italian marriage

MAMA MIA!

Ernie’s really on a roll:

This is for all the Italians out there, and those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, and even to all the friends of Italians.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought it himself already in heaven.

For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.  Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?  Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. ‘Get out of here!’ she shouted, ‘They’re for the funeral!’

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animals dog funny marriage men mother-in-law women

Mother-in-law

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession, a funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line!

The man couldn’t stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog.

“I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?”

The man replied

“Well, that first coffin is for my wife.”

What happened to her??!

The man replied

“My dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further

“Well, who is in the second coffin?”

The man answered

“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also.”

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement

“Can I borrow the dog?”

The man replied

“Join the queue.”