All those Jokes that people send me » gina

Two Crocodiles …

thejoker — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 17:28:27 +0000

From Gina in Flordia, and she should know about 'gators!

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase

Thanksgiving

thejoker — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 02:17:46 +0000

From Gina:

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Will I Live to be 80?

thejoker — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 22:57:41 +0000

From Gina:

Some times you just have to ask yourself " Will I live to be 80?"

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing at the beach?"
"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He then looked at me and asked,

"Then why do you give a shit?

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET

thejoker — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:47:04 +0000

And a great one all the from Gina in Florida:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls... they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'

INSTALLATION COMPLETE!

A Donegal Dictionary

thejoker — Thu, 01 May 2008 14:24:42 +0000

Another from Gina, these Donegal people are wile! And Edel sent it too!

A..........I
Aul....... Old
Aul Boy....Father
Aul Doll...Mother
Aye........Yes
Bother.....Hassle
Canny......Cannot
Class.... .Good/Great
Dinny......Don’t
Doll......Girl or woman
Foundered .Extremely cold
Fray......From
Gan.......Going
Gaff......House/flat
Geesa.....Give me a
Gissa.....Girl
Glack........Good luck...........Good bye
Gon.......Please
Hanlin....Trouble or Fight or Argument
Hi........Used at the start and end of every sentence
Hay.......Have
Hey?......Phrased as a question meaning what
Juck......Boy or Man
Ker............ Car
Lock......Small amount of something
Mind......To remember
Mon.......Come on
Naw.......No
Nuance....Unusual
Pure......very
Purdies...Potatoes
Rare......strange or unusual
Staish....Oh wow or Look
Thon......That
Tight.....Cruel
Wan.......One or 1
Wan.......Refering to a person. E.g. "Look at that wan there"
Wee.......Small
Weins.....Babies or children
Well......Hello
Wile......Very or Terrible
Yes.......Hello
Yis Sir...Slang, Hello
Yes Horse........Hello to someone u like
Yock......... different types of ladies

Bertie’s Swan Song!

thejoker — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 23:41:35 +0000

And a great one from Gina, and you might need to be Irish and know about Bertie to get this one:

I was petrified
Kept thinking Mahon would find out
About my takings on the side
And I spent so many nights
Thinking how I got it wrong
But I grew strong
When I learned how to play along
But then the banks
Those fecking gays
They went and showed the jaysis court
That I got cash from the UK
I shouldn't have lodged that bloody sterling
I could've spent it on me holidays
If I had known for just one second
All the questions it would raise
So off I go, I'll walk out the door
I'll go to ground now
'Cause I'm not welcome anymore
Weren't you the ones who said it's time to say goodbye?
Health service crumbled
Property market died
Oh no! Now I
I will resign
Now the shit has hit the fan
And the country's in decline
I've done my share of theft
And no credibility left
So I'll resign
I will resign
It took all the guile I had
To look the injured part
Keep trying to pretend
The public broke my heart
And I spend oh so many nights
Just looking sorry for myself
But I'm good at lyin'
Inside I'm laughing all the time
And you'll soon see me
Somebody new
I'll get my government pension
Hey I'm not done with screwing you
I know how to milk the state
I learned all yer tricks, Haughey
Now I'm saving all my backhanders
For an island off Kerry
Ho ho! Now I
I will resign
And I'll get three hundred grand
Instead of doing any time
I've got an easy life to live
Two fu*ks I couldn't give
About your cryin'
When I resign...

Depressed?

thejoker — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 23:19:23 +0000

And another one, albeit a bit tasteless, from Gina:

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck ...

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING!

thejoker — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 23:13:51 +0000

No-one's been sending joke, however Gina sent us a few! Thanks Gina.

Do not lose your grandkids in the shopping mall!

My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said:

'I've lost my grandpa!'

The cop asked:

'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied:

'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'

Pet Diaries

thejoker — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 03:53:33 +0000

An oldie, but a goodie from Gina!

DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. I fear I may be going insane.

Donegal

admin — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 13:29:04 +0000

From Gina:

Donegal is the most northernly county in Ireland true, but we ARE NOT part of Northern Ireland.

At school, we did Junior and Leaving Cert's...NOT 11 plus', GCSE or A-levels!

We DO NOT use sterling as our official currency.

Our car licence plates are like

eg: "06-DL-1234" and NOT "YIBA 7HA99"

Contrary to what some Dub's think, we DO get a clear 2fm signal.

We DO get TV3.

We sell and drink BULMERS, not MAGNERS!

Our nightclubs DO stay open past 1:30am unlike the north.

"Aye","wee","staysh","yon" are all perfectly good forms of the English language.

Yes, we did win the All-Ireland once (1992 was not the stone-age either) and been in 2 of the last 3 Ulster Finals!

There is nothing wrong in being from a county where accents vary dramatically from Ballyshannon to Letterkenny to Buncrana to Gweedore to Glenswilly.

Dunfanaghy is pronounced "Dun fan a hee", NOT "Dun fonn a gee!"

Ardara is pronounced "Ard Ra" NOT "Are Dara!"

We dont' not shag sheep and ride our cousins.... bar Glenswilly.

So what if Newtoncunningham is all just one big inbred family.

MacCumhaill Park in Ballybofey is NOT named after Fionn MacCumhaill.

Rory Delap of Letterkenny and Gary Doherty of Carndonagh are not our favourite sons when it comes to what we gave to the Ireland soccer team.

Nor is Mickey Joe Harte of Lifford when it came to the Eurovision in 2003.

Yes we do have a townland in the north of the county called Muff and then Killybegs actually smells like one!

We gave the world Daniel O'Donnell, Packie Bonner, Enya, Shay Given and McDaid's Football Special drink....what has your county done!!!

All those Jokes that people send me » gina

Two Crocodiles …

Thanksgiving

Will I Live to be 80?

"Then why do you give a shit?

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET

A Donegal Dictionary

Bertie’s Swan Song!

Depressed?

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck ...

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING!

'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'

Pet Diaries

DOG DIARY

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. I fear I may be going insane.

Donegal

Donegal is the most northernly county in Ireland true, but we ARE NOT part of Northern Ireland.

At school, we did Junior and Leaving Cert's...NOT 11 plus', GCSE or A-levels!

We DO NOT use sterling as our official currency.

Our car licence plates are like

eg: "06-DL-1234" and NOT "YIBA 7HA99"

Contrary to what some Dub's think, we DO get a clear 2fm signal.

We DO get TV3.

We sell and drink BULMERS, not MAGNERS!

Our nightclubs DO stay open past 1:30am unlike the north.

"Aye","wee","staysh","yon" are all perfectly good forms of the English language.

Yes, we did win the All-Ireland once (1992 was not the stone-age either) and been in 2 of the last 3 Ulster Finals!

There is nothing wrong in being from a county where accents vary dramatically from Ballyshannon to Letterkenny to Buncrana to Gweedore to Glenswilly.

Dunfanaghy is pronounced "Dun fan a hee", NOT "Dun fonn a gee!"

Ardara is pronounced "Ard Ra" NOT "Are Dara!"

We dont' not shag sheep and ride our cousins.... bar Glenswilly.

So what if Newtoncunningham is all just one big inbred family.

MacCumhaill Park in Ballybofey is NOT named after Fionn MacCumhaill.

Rory Delap of Letterkenny and Gary Doherty of Carndonagh are not our favourite sons when it comes to what we gave to the Ireland soccer team.

Nor is Mickey Joe Harte of Lifford when it came to the Eurovision in 2003.

Yes we do have a townland in the north of the county called Muff and then Killybegs actually smells like one!

We gave the world Daniel O'Donnell, Packie Bonner, Enya, Shay Given and McDaid's Football Special drink....what has your county done!!!

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!