Ernie sent me this one, I think our female readers will enjoy it!
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.
Here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. WHY?
Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
From Ernie! This is pretty funny, but does that whole cliqued thing about how Italians speak English. You could replace Italian with just any other natonality or creed and it’d still be funny (you’d just need to change the wording a wee bit). This is one of those jokes that might be funnier if it didn’t try and make fun of Italians, as the situation could be generalized into any naive sheltered woman getting married.
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her;
‘Don’t worry, Maria, Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you..
Meanwhile, I’ll be making pasta.’
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.’
‘Don’t worry, Maria,’ says the mother, ‘all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. ‘Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!’
All from Edel!
A man goes to a shrink and says, ‘Doctor, my wife is  unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy.
What do you think I should do?’
‘Relax,’ says the Doctor, ‘take a deep breath and calm down. Â Now, Â tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?’
————————————————————
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
‘Give me one last request, dear,’ he said.
‘Of course, John,’ his wife said softly.
‘Six months after I die,’ he said, ‘I want you to marry Bob.’
‘But I thought you hated Bob,’ she said.
With his last breath John said, ‘I do!’
More marriage jokes:
http://www.timony.com/jokes/category/marriage/
From Edel:
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. Â They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Â Even the priest smiled broadly. Â As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
And more from Edel:
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will  have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
Ernie’s always sending me jokes! 🙂
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the male therapist got up, walked around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?’
The husband thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.
And here’ssss one from Danny:
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectiona tely refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it’s only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
Finally after a drought, one from Edel, it’s actually a whole bunch of jokes in one e-mail but I’m going to break it up over a few postings.
———————————————————————-
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
———————————————————————-
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
———————————————————————-
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
———————————————————————
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
And from Edel:
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date:
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”
“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
“That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!!”
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.”
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”
“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”