The young blonde
And another from Ernie:
"How can I repay you for such kindness" she asked. "Just let me make love to you each night..."
The blonde agreed. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, whose stowed me away"
she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe and he's screwing me".
"He certainly is", the captain said.
"This is the Martha's Vineyard Ferry."
Benefits of being 50+
And another from Edel!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
First Time …
A funny teenage love story from Ernie:
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such
a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
Will I live to see 80?
More from Ernie!
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy! '
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don' t,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
Sex?
From Ernie:
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Will I Live to be 80?
From Gina:
Some times you just have to ask yourself " Will I live to be 80?"
I recently chose a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing at the beach?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He then looked at me and asked,
"Then why do you give a shit?
Today’s fortune
From Ilya:
Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1990's?
A: In the 90's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly,
"I'd like some condoms"
And then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
"and some cigarettes"
Coffee and viagra
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
"Have you considered trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance, " says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem-- there's away around that, " replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee -- he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires as to how things went.
"Oh doctor, it was horrible, horrible, horrible!"
"What happened?" asks the doctor, aghast.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, ripped my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was horrible!"
"What was horrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not fulfilling?"
"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years. But I don't think I'll ever be able to show my face at Starbucks again!"