Men Strike Back
From Ernie:
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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The husband, the wife …
Ernie's always sending me jokes! 
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the male therapist got up, walked around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.
Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007
And another great one from Ernie, supposed this was voted best joke in Ireland in 2007:
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
The Silent Fart …
From Edel:
An elderly couple were attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?'
He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Underwear Dust
And one from Diane!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the Hell is this??'
he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,'
he hollered into the bathroom,
'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied ...
'It's not talcum powder...It's 'Miracle Grow'
Mother-in-law
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession, a funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line!
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog.
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied
"Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
What happened to her??!
The man replied
"My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further
"Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered
"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied
"Join the queue."