All those Jokes that people send me » women

Paddy’s chat up lines

thejoker — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 16:51:44 +0000

From Edel:

Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
Your body reminds me of a spanner (wrench). Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

admin — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:03:01 +0000

It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Apple does it again!

thejoker — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 00:59:40 +0000

A great one from Norm!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Original Post at "Apple Does it Again!"

Southern Charm

thejoker — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 15:02:25 +0000

I agree with the Southern Lady, thanks Ernie:

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill

thejoker — Fri, 01 May 2009 23:29:37 +0000

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains. They're going to be called....

'Pre-dick-a-mints!'

5 Short Ones

thejoker — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 04:22:00 +0000

From Ernie:

1 • TRANSFUSIONS: American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

...Just thought you'd like to know.
2 • CONFESSIONAL: An old man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man: I'm Jewish

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Man: I'm telling everybody!

3 • BROTHEL TRIP: An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

4 • CALLER QUESTION: The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?"To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

5 • OLD FRED: Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket.

At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all.."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/04/01/5-short-ones/

The Black Bra

thejoker — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 23:06:37 +0000

From Ernie:

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said.

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/02/19/the-black-bra

Men!

thejoker — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 16:32:11 +0000

Ernie sent me this one, I think our female readers will enjoy it!

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.

Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. WHY?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Golf Accident.

thejoker — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 01:55:27 +0000

From Ernie!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Nooo, no, I'll be all right. Just give me a few minutes,' the man gasped. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

Proof that Men Have Better Friends…

thejoker — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 23:12:53 +0000

From Ernie:

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over and two said he was still there.