{"id":114,"date":"2008-04-10T09:30:15","date_gmt":"2008-04-10T14:30:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/?p=114"},"modified":"2008-04-10T09:30:15","modified_gmt":"2008-04-10T14:30:15","slug":"thank-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/2008\/04\/10\/thank-you\/","title":{"rendered":"Thank You!"},"content":{"rendered":"

And this one’s from Edel:<\/p>\n

Thank you!<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n


\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>paper towel.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>happened on it since it was last washed.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>number one pastime while driving alone is picking their nose. (Although<\/span><\/span> cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n


\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n


\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)<\/span><\/span> who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>$15,000 that Bill Gates\/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>buffalo on a hot day.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>an e-mail to seven of my friends<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>and make a wish <\/span><\/span>within five minutes.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make <\/span><\/span>these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’<\/span><\/span> on their cans.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked<\/span><\/span> with a needle infected with AIDS.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>sample and rob me.<\/p>\n

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>Qaeda in disguise.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>American troops.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan …<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>bites my butt.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the<\/span><\/span> parking lot because it probably was placed there by<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span>a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Have a wonderful day…. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Oh, by the way…..<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

And this one’s from Edel: Thank you! I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[46],"tags":[486,485,40,484,487],"class_list":["post-114","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny","tag-chain","tag-e-mails","tag-edel","tag-thank-you","tag-warnings"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/114","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=114"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/114\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=114"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=114"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=114"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}