{"id":790,"date":"2011-10-02T09:40:08","date_gmt":"2011-10-02T14:40:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/?p=790"},"modified":"2011-10-02T09:40:08","modified_gmt":"2011-10-02T14:40:08","slug":"how-to-drive-in-jersey","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/2011\/10\/02\/how-to-drive-in-jersey\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Drive In Jersey …."},"content":{"rendered":"

This one is from Ernie, and this is exactly as I received it (messed up fonts included), and it must be old; who uses MapQuest anymore? ;). Anyhow, this does sound a lot like driving around the Boston area, or probably any metropolitan area in the US!<\/p>\n

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Seriously, there are only two things needed to drive effectively in NJ:
\nA horn and a middle finger.\u00c2\u00a0 Everything else is superfluous, including\u00c2\u00a0knowing where you are going.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there, these things\u00c2\u00a0may come as no surprise.\u00c2\u00a0 For those who haven’t traveled there before, Beware, Be Prepared and Be Afraid,,,, Be Very Afraid.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork – rhymes\u00c2\u00a0with Fork, not New-ark.\u00c2\u00a0 Also, Trenton is not pronounced Tren-ton, it is\u00c2\u00a0Trent-in.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is\u00c2\u00a0from NOON to 7 PM.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway\u00c2\u00a0it’s 105 or 110.\u00c2\u00a0 Anything less is considered “Sissy..” (Just ask the\u00c2\u00a0former Governor of NJ)<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own\u00c2\u00a0version of traffic rules.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 For example, cars\/trucks with the loudest\u00c2\u00a0muffler go first at a four-way stop;\u00c2\u00a0 the trucks with the biggest tires\u00c2\u00a0go second; However, in Monmouth and Burlington counties, SUV-driving,\u00c2\u00a0cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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6. Never honk at anyone.\u00c2\u00a0 EVER !\u00c2\u00a0 Seriously.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s another offense that\u00c2\u00a0can get you shot.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey …\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during\u00c2\u00a0the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more\u00c2\u00a0exciting.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats,\u00c2\u00a0barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners,\u00c2\u00a0deer and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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9. MapQuest does NOT work here – none of the roads are where they say\u00c2\u00a0they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes\u00c2\u00a0are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.<\/strong>\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the\u00c2\u00a0shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally\u00c2\u00a0activated.”<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone,\u00c2\u00a0you are considered\u00c2\u00a0 a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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12. Do not try to estimate travel time – just leave Monday afternoon for\u00c2\u00a0Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right\u00c2\u00a0after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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SAFE DRIVING ! ! !<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This one is from Ernie, and this is exactly as I received it (messed up fonts included), and it must be old; who uses MapQuest anymore? ;). Anyhow, this does sound a lot like driving around the Boston area, or probably any metropolitan area in the US! Seriously, there are only two things needed to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[42,371],"tags":[1229,37,1884,1878,1881,1880,1882,1877,1883,1879],"class_list":["post-790","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-american","category-car","tag-cars","tag-driving","tag-highway","tag-mapquest","tag-new-jersey","tag-nj","tag-parkway","tag-safe-driving","tag-traffic","tag-turnpike"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/790","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=790"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/790\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":791,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/790\/revisions\/791"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=790"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=790"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=790"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}