{"id":83,"date":"2008-03-12T22:53:33","date_gmt":"2008-03-13T03:53:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/?p=83"},"modified":"2008-03-12T22:53:33","modified_gmt":"2008-03-13T03:53:33","slug":"pet-diaries","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/2008\/03\/12\/pet-diaries\/","title":{"rendered":"Pet Diaries"},"content":{"rendered":"

An oldie, but a goodie from Gina!<\/p>\n

DOG DIARY<\/h1>\n

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
\n9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
\n9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
\n10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
\n12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing!
\n1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
\n3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
\n5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
\n7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
\n8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
\n11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!<\/h3>\n

CAT DIARY<\/h1>\n

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.<\/h3>\n

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
\nAlthough I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.<\/h3>\n

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.<\/h3>\n

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am.
\nBastards!<\/h3>\n

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.<\/h3>\n

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.<\/h3>\n

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.<\/h3>\n

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. I fear I may be going insane.<\/h3>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

An oldie, but a goodie from Gina! DOG DIARY 8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[191,277,190],"tags":[335,1957,330,45,333,331,332],"class_list":["post-83","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-animals","category-cat","category-dog","tag-335","tag-cat","tag-dogs","tag-gina","tag-good","tag-pets","tag-prison-dog-food"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/83","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=83"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/83\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=83"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=83"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.timony.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=83"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}