Categories
funny

Buying a Fishing Rod

From Ernie:

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.  She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses. She says, ” Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Madam, I’m completely blind; but, if you’ll drop it on the  counter, I can tell you everything youneed to know about it from the sound it makes.” She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, “That’s a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404  reel and 5-kg. test line. It’s a good all around combination,and it’s on sale this week for $44.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’lltake it!” As
she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
“Oh ,that sounds like a Visa card,” says the salesman.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way  the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The salesman rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $58.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me it was on sale for $44?. How did you get to $58.50?”
“The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.” he replys.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/02/11/buying-a-fishing-rod

Categories
family

From Ernie:
A nice old story that will make you appreciate family.

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.

The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk… Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

‘And always remember this thing,’ she said. ‘Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.’

‘How come, Grandma?’ I asked her.

Categories
religion

The Fork

A sentimental tale from Edel:

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things ‘in order,’ she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

‘There’s one more thing,’ she said excitedly.

‘What’s that?’ came the Pastor’s reply.

‘This is very important,’ the young woman continued. ‘I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.’

The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.

That surprises you, doesn’t it?’ the young woman asked.

‘Well, to be honest, I’m puzzled by the request,’ said the Pastor.

The young woman explained. ‘My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, ‘Keep your fork.’ It was my
favorite part because I knew that something better was coming…like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!’

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder ‘What’s with the fork?’ Then I want you to tell them:
‘Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.’