Category: funny

Categories
british car funny golf marriage men money women

Golf Course Changing Room

From Ilya:

A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-functio­n and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops
to listen.
BLOKE: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
BLOKE: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
…

It’s only £1, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
BLOKE: “Sure, .. go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.”
BLOKE: “How much?”
WOMAN: “£70, 000”
BLOKE: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £950, 000”
BLOKE: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”
BLOKE: “Bye! I love you, too.” The bloke hangs up.

The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….. He smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

Categories
drink funny

Out Drinking …

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend “That’s us in 10 years”.

He said

Continue reading “Out Drinking …”
Categories
funny health men

Amazing Simple Home Remedies!

Another great one from Ernie! 🙂

These Really Work!! I Checked This Out On Snopes And It’s For Real!

Amazing Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone
Else To Hold The Vegetable S While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By
Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed
For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins.
Remember To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You
From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze
Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then
You’ll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life – WD-40 And Duct Tape. If It
Doesn’t Move And Should, Use The WD-40. If It Shouldn’t Move And
Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7. If You Can’T Fix It With A Hammer, You’Ve Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought:

Some People Are Like Slinkies – Not Really Good For Anything But
They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

Original Posting At http://www.timony.com/jokes/2011/04/09/amazing-simple-home-remedies/

Categories
funny

How to sell toothbrushes.

From Ernie:

The kids filed back into class Monday morning .. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off:
“I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:
“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained
To everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.
The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.
“$2,467,” he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher,
“What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

Continue reading “How to sell toothbrushes.”
Categories
funny Music tasteless

The Lady is a Tramp

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my MP3 Player.

Categories
american funny weather women

A letter from Home

From Ernie. This is almost the same as one I heard in Ireland titled “An Irish Mother’s letter to her son”. My apologies to Red Necks everywhere.

Dearest Redneck Son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read f a st. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be a ble to send you the a ddress because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine although I’m not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the truck yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, she said it looks just like you, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt daddy or an uncle daddy.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down!

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

Categories
american animals funny marriage men women

Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

‘What was that for?’ he asked.

‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.

Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.

‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation ‘

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, ‘What was that for?’

She replied…

‘Your horse called.’

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2011/01/14/mad-wife-disease/

Categories
funny sex

Market Research & Vaseline.

And our first joke from Pat!

A man doing market research knocks on a door. He is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around. “I’m doing research for Vaseline,” he says:

“Do you use it?”
“Yes, We use it for sex”.

The researcher is a little taken back.

“Can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”

The woman says:

“My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.”

Categories
funny men wisedom women

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa:

half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe:

well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value..

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain:

very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece:

gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain:

with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel:

has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada : self-
preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet:

wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.

THE END.

Categories
british funny

The Lady is a Tramp

From Ernie:

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.