And another great one from Ernie, supposed this was voted best joke in Ireland in 2007:
Category: religion
From Edel:
An elderly couple were attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, ‘ I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?’
He replies ‘ Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’
And one from Ernie:
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “Whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Hillary Clinton’s clock?” asked the man.
“Hillary’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan!”
As we’ve had so many Father Ted video’s I thought I should mention Ted Fest!
We have photographs from the Ray Foley Show. A review from the Englush Independent newspaper. And a slideshow from the Guardian newspaper, along with news coverage.
Scores of apparently inebriated priests, the odd pope and cigarette-puffing nuns converged on Inis Mor off the west coast of Ireland at the weekend. They mingled with a multitude of aspiring Mrs Doyles.
The clerical collars and dubious habits were for the first ever Father Ted festival, convened to perpetuate the Channel 4 sitcom. The main attraction was staged yesterday afternoon on the foreshore inside Kilronan Harbour, where two five-a-side football teams – one from Inis Mor, the other from nearby Inis Oirr – competed to win their island the title of Craggy Island, Father Ted’s fictional parish. Crowds in dog collars and wimples cheered the game, which was won 2-0 by Inis Mor. The Irish betting firm Paddy Power had taken bets on the outcome as well as on the festival’s Lovely Girls contest.
More from Ciaran Mc:
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
The man said, ‘I do, Father.’
The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’
Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
‘Certainly, Father,’ was the man’s reply.
‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’
The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
- The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
- The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
- The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
- The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation –
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’