Category: american

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Those New Yorkers!

From Ernie:

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.

“What are you doing here?” asked the Captain.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.”

“I see,” the Captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

Continue reading “Those New Yorkers!”
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american medicine

Bubba had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had…

Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, ‘Shingles..’ So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’

Continue reading “Bubba had shingles.”
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american car

How To Drive In Jersey ….

This one is from Ernie, and this is exactly as I received it (messed up fonts included), and it must be old; who uses MapQuest anymore? ;). Anyhow, this does sound a lot like driving around the Boston area, or probably any metropolitan area in the US!

Seriously, there are only two things needed to drive effectively in NJ:
A horn and a middle finger.  Everything else is superfluous, including knowing where you are going.
For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there, these things may come as no surprise.  For those who haven’t traveled there before, Beware, Be Prepared and Be Afraid,,,, Be Very Afraid.
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork – rhymes with Fork, not New-ark.  Also, Trenton is not pronounced Tren-ton, it is Trent-in.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM.   Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it’s 105 or 110.  Anything less is considered “Sissy..” (Just ask the former Governor of NJ)
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules.   For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop;  the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in Monmouth and Burlington counties, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone.  EVER !  Seriously.  It’s another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey …  Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items.
9. MapQuest does NOT work here – none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.   
10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated.”
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered  a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly.  If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time – just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
SAFE DRIVING ! ! !
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american police

A little late…..

This is cute……….even if you are a democrat or republican.

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, ‘I want to go to Disney World & Dubya said, ‘No problem, I’ll take you there on Air Force One.’

The second kid said, ‘I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.

Dubya said, ‘I’ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.’

The third kid said, ‘ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.’

George was a little perplexed by this and said, ‘But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.

Continue reading “A little late…..”
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american funny weather women

A letter from Home

From Ernie. This is almost the same as one I heard in Ireland titled “An Irish Mother’s letter to her son”. My apologies to Red Necks everywhere.

Dearest Redneck Son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read f a st. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be a ble to send you the a ddress because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine although I’m not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the truck yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, she said it looks just like you, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt daddy or an uncle daddy.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down!

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

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Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

‘What was that for?’ he asked.

‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.

Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.

‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation ‘

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, ‘What was that for?’

She replied…

‘Your horse called.’

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2011/01/14/mad-wife-disease/

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american tv

“Hollywood Squares”…

From Ernie!

These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years…

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

Continue reading ““Hollywood Squares”…”
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american men women

Top Ten Country & Western Songs are……

Great one from Ernie:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.
7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’.
6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win.
5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country& Western song is …

Continue reading “Top Ten Country & Western Songs are……”

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american animals dog sex

Dog Walk

Edel likes dogs, and jokes! 🙂

A little girl asked her Mom, ‘Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?’ Mom replies, ‘No, because she is in heat.’

‘What’s that mean?’ asked the child.
‘Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’

The little girl goes to the garage and says, ‘Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come ask you.’

Dad said, ‘Bring Belle over here.’ He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog ‘s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, ‘OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.’

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Belle?’

( YOU’RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!! ! )

The little girl said, ‘She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home’

If you ain’t laffin’… You ain’t livin’.

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american blonde women

Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun.  Blonde Men do exist