Tag: heaven

Categories
heaven irish kids religion

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

A great one from Edel:

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘No!’ By now I was starting to smile.

‘Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered ‘No!’. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ‘ Then how can I get into heaven?’

A six year-old boy shouted out

“YUV GOTTA BE FuKN’ DEAD……….”

Categories
american politics religion

The Lie Clock

And one from Ernie:

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Hillary Clinton’s clock?” asked the man.

“Hillary’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan!”

Categories
irish religion

Heaven?

More from Ciaran Mc:

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

The man said, ‘I do, Father.’

The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

‘Certainly, Father,’ was the man’s reply.

‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

Categories
american hell politics

Voting – Strictly Non-Partisan

Non-partisan? Politically correct? We’ll see!:)

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT? IT IS POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking  down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and  dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.

 “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

 “Well, I’d like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend  eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,”  says the senator.

 “I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with  that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds  himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet  him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and  then dine on lobster, caviar  and  champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone  gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator  rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door  reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

 “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of  contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 “Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects  for a minute, then he answers:
  “Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of  the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with  waste and  garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
 “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great  time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

“Yesterday we were campaigning…… Today you voted!“

Categories
funny nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.

The second says, “I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone.

The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini..”

St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he asked.

“Sara Pipalini” replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

“No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline‘ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!