Those New Yorkers!

From Ernie:

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.

“What are you doing here?” asked the Captain.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.”

“I see,” the Captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

(more…)

6 / February / 2013  american, italian, men, sex, weather, women  Comentarios (0)

A letter from Home

From Ernie. This is almost the same as one I heard in Ireland titled “An Irish Mother’s letter to her son”. My apologies to Red Necks everywhere.

Dearest Redneck Son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read f a st. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be a ble to send you the a ddress because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine although I’m not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the truck yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, she said it looks just like you, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt daddy or an uncle daddy.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down!

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

16 / January / 2011  american, funny, weather, women  Comentarios (0)

Am I a Polar Bear?

From Edel:

A polar bear asks his Mother, ‘Mom, am I a real polar bear?”
“Yes darling, of course you are.” his mother answered.
“Are you SURE I’m a polar bear?”
“Yes dear,” his mother replied, “You are. I am, you sister is, you’re father is, we’re all polar bears.”
“Are you POSITIVE?”

“Yes, yes, for the last time, you’re a polar bear! Why do you keep asking?”

“Cause I’m f**king freezing!”

13 / May / 2008  animals, funny, weather  Comentarios (0)

More Irish Weather

A newcomer to Ireland arrives on a rainy day. He gets up the next day and it ‘s raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.
He goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and asks out of despair, “Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?”
The kid says:

“How do I know? I’m only 6.”

11 / March / 2008  irish, weather  Comentarios (0)

Weather Quote

From Ilya:

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don’t know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don’t get it.
— Mark Twain

Mark Twain is awesome 🙂

10 / March / 2008  quote, weather  Comentarios (0)

Winter greetings

And from Diane:

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it’s very well written.

‘WINTER’ a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

Cold Kitty Kat

‘SHIT, It’s Cold!!’

The End

8 / March / 2008  cat, weather  Comentarios (0)

Irish Weather

A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood here, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over and tapped Old Nick on the shoulder.

“Excuse me, there, Your Darkness,” he said. “I ‘m waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn’t help wondering why you are tossing some people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?”

“Ah,” Satan said with a grin. “Those are the Irish. I’m letting them dry out so they’ll burn.”

24 / February / 2008  irish, weather  Comentarios (0)

Irish Summer

What do you call two straight days of rain in Ireland ? A weekend.

It only rains twice a year in Ireland : August through April and May through July.

What’s the definition of an Irish optimist? A guy with a sun visor on his rain hat.

“I can ‘t believe it,” said the tourist. “I’ve been here an entire week and it ‘s done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?”
“Well, that’ s hard to say,” replied the local. “Last year, it was on a Wednesday.”

21 / February / 2008  irish, weather  Comentarios (0)