Those New Yorkers!

From Ernie:

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.

“What are you doing here?” asked the Captain.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.”

“I see,” the Captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

(more…)

6 / February / 2013  american, italian, men, sex, weather, women  Comentarios (0)

ITALIAN VIRGIN

From Ernie! This is pretty funny, but does that whole cliqued thing about how Italians speak English. You could replace Italian with just any other natonality or creed and it’d still be funny (you’d just need to change the wording a wee bit). This is one of those jokes that might be funnier if it didn’t try and make fun of Italians, as the situation could be generalized into any naive sheltered woman getting married.

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

‘Don’t worry, Maria, Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you..

Meanwhile, I’ll be making pasta.’

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.’

‘Don’t worry, Maria,’ says the mother, ‘all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. ‘Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!’ (more…)

31 / January / 2009  italian, marriage, tasteless, women  Comentarios (0)

Crazy Europeans!

From Adriana:

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive, at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
“It’sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro.”
“Vot do you mean it’z illegal?” asks the German driver.
“Quattro meansa four” replies the Italian official.
“Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile”, the Germans says unbelievingly. “Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 perzons.”
“You can’ta pulla thata one on me!”,replies the Italian customs agent.
“Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law.”
The German driver replies angrily, “You idiot! Call your zupervisor over,  I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!”
“Maaa sorry”, responds the Italian official, “he can’ta come. He’sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno !…”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/01/crazy-europeans/

1 / January / 2009  cat, italian  Comentarios (0)

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

More from Ernie!

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt’! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.  They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt’, you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/02/who-is-jack-schittwho-is-jack-schitt/

2 / December / 2008  family, italian  Comentarios (1)

Rome Trip

A great one from Ernie:

This is something to think about when negative people  are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next  time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

‘Rome? Why would anyone want to go  there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome … So, how are you  getting there?’

‘We’re taking Continental,’ was the reply. ‘We got a great rate!’

‘Continental?’ exclaimed the hairdresser. ‘That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?’

‘We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.’

‘Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and  they’re overpriced.  So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?’

‘We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.’

‘That’s rich,’ laughed the hairdresser. ‘You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.’

A month  later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

‘It was wonderful,’ explained the woman, ‘not only  were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were  wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand  and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million  remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at  no extra charge!’

‘Well,’ muttered the hairdresser, ‘that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the  Pope.’

‘Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.’

‘Oh, really! What’d he say?’

He said: ‘Where’d you get the shitty hairdo?’

19 / September / 2008  american, italian, priest, religion, women  Comentarios (0)

MAMA MIA!

Ernie’s really on a roll:

This is for all the Italians out there, and those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, and even to all the friends of Italians.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought it himself already in heaven.

For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.  Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?  Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. ‘Get out of here!’ she shouted, ‘They’re for the funeral!’

12 / September / 2008  health, italian, marriage  Comentarios (0)

Tomato Garden

This one’s from Edel, I’m pretty sure I saw this one before except the main characters are Irish.

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He  wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was  hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old  man wrote a letter to his son and described his  predicament.

[] Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty  badly because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this  year. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be  happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he  received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Don’t dig up that  garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.

Love,  Vinnie

At 4:00 a.m. the next morning F.B.I. agents and local  police arrived and dug up the entire garden without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man  received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead  and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the  circumstances.

Love you,  Vinnie

24 / August / 2008  italian, police  Comentarios (0)