Month: February 2008

Categories
funny health

Doctor

I’m not sure if I’d take this doctor’s advise to heart. Remember it’s a joke, but the last paragraph has some truth. So enough of me talking rubbish, here’s the (lame) joke:

MUSIC TO OUR EARS

DON’T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM! ..

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?

Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:

No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!… Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming :

Woo Hoo, what a ride!

Categories
video

Animator vs Animation

Someone did e-mail me this! It’s humourous alright, and I’d say a lot of work went into producing this:

Categories
drink men work

Warning!

Warning

There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, you’re boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!

This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK , put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Buy the antidote known as BEER .

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life. REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!!

All I can say, is thank God it’s Friday! 🙂

Categories
funny men women

Ski Trip

From Ernie:

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.” said Bob.

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day

Categories
irish priest video

Need for Speed: Father Ted Edition

This wasn’t e-mailed to me, but it’s funny and I thought you’d get a kick out it. Plus, after 2 jokes where the English were the brunt of the joke (you’d never guess I’m Irish and my Irish friends e-mail me stuff like that?) I thought it was time for something poking the fun of us Irish! 🙂

Categories
funny men women

Do you know me?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving At him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, ‘Do you know me? ‘

To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says,

‘My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made Love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your Partner whipped my butt with wet celery?

She looks into his eyes and says calmly

No, I’m your son’s teacher.

Categories
irish weather

Irish Summer

What do you call two straight days of rain in Ireland ? A weekend.

It only rains twice a year in Ireland : August through April and May through July.

What’s the definition of an Irish optimist? A guy with a sun visor on his rain hat.

“I can ‘t believe it,” said the tourist. “I’ve been here an entire week and it ‘s done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?”
“Well, that’ s hard to say,” replied the local. “Last year, it was on a Wednesday.”

Categories
funny

International Disturbed People’s Day

And from Edel:

Today is International Disturbed People’s Day.

Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend.. just as I’ve done.
I don’t care if you lick windows, see dead people, or occasionally pee yourself…

Nurse for Disturbed People

You hang in there sunshine, you’re Bloody special.

Categories
irish school

Question time

Gina’s really sending out the jokes! 🙂

Teacher: ‘Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we’re going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right canhave Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.’

Little Paddy thinks, ‘Whoo hooo! I’m bleedin’ deadly at General Knowledge. This is gonna be sooo easy!’

Teacher: ‘Right class, who can tell me who said. “Don’t ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?”

Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. “Yes, Farqhuar?”

Farqhuar (in a very English accent): “Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy – inauguration speech 1960.”

Teacher: “Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday andwe will see you back in class on Tuesday.”

The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even More determined.

Teacher: ‘Who said.”We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?”

Little Paddy’s hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting “I know.I know. Me Miss, me Miss!” Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe, sitting at the front: “Yes Tarquin?”

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): “Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.”

Teacher: “Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.”

The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he’s been studying encyclopaedias all week and he’s ready for anything that comes. He’s coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: ‘”Who said ‘One small step for man, one giant leap For mankind?'”

Little Paddy’s arm shoots straight in the air, he’s standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming “Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee”

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front “Yes Rupert.”

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): “Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing.”

Teacher: ‘”Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.”

Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming:

“WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?”

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: “Who said that?” Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, “Patrick Pearse, GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss.”

Categories
funny men women work

A young guy from Minnesota

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. “How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says “One“.

The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”

The kid says, “$101,237.65.”

The boss says, “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?”

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?”

The kid answered

“No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot; you should go fishing.'”