Amazing Simple Home Remedies!

Another great one from Ernie! đŸ™‚

These Really Work!! I Checked This Out On Snopes And It’s For Real!

Amazing Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone
Else To Hold The Vegetable S While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By
Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed
For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins.
Remember To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You
From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze
Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then
You’ll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life – WD-40 And Duct Tape. If It
Doesn’t Move And Should, Use The WD-40. If It Shouldn’t Move And
Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7. If You Can’T Fix It With A Hammer, You’Ve Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought:

Some People Are Like Slinkies – Not Really Good For Anything But
They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

Original Posting At http://www.timony.com/jokes/2011/04/09/amazing-simple-home-remedies/

9 / April / 2011  funny, health, men  Comentarios (0)

WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM

From Ernie:

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
______________________________

__
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
(more…)

8 / January / 2009  health, sport, women  Comentarios (0)

Doctor Says….

And another great one from Ernie!

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Manchester…

The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

  • Red meat is awful.
  • Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
  • Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
  • High fat diets can be disastrous.
  • None of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’ (more…)

30 / October / 2008  food, health, ill  Comentarios (0)

Jokes ….

And even more from Edel:
————————————————————

Reason Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

All the DNA is the same.
————————————————————
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So which six items would you like to buy?’

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

(more…)

Will I live to see 80?

More from Ernie!

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’
He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
”Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’ Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’
I said, ‘No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy! ‘
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’ t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’
‘No,’ I said.
He looked at me and said, ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’

3 / October / 2008  health, medicine, old  Comentarios (0)

MAMA MIA!

Ernie’s really on a roll:

This is for all the Italians out there, and those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, and even to all the friends of Italians.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought it himself already in heaven.

For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.  Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?  Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. ‘Get out of here!’ she shouted, ‘They’re for the funeral!’

12 / September / 2008  health, italian, marriage  Comentarios (0)

Will I Live to be 80?

From Gina:

Some times you just have to ask yourself ” Will I live to be 80?”

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?”
“No,” I replied. “I don’t do drugs, either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing at the beach?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

He then looked at me and asked,

“Then why do you give a shit?

9 / September / 2008  health, medicine, retirement  Comentarios (0)

When husband’s buy the wrong gift!

Ilya sent me this! I’m not posting the original file he sent me, but someone put this copy on YouTube! It appears to be an advertising for a UK site call LittleWoods Direct.

Coffee and viagra

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband’s sex drive.

“Have you considered trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.

“Not a chance, ” says Mrs. Murphy. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.”

“No problem– there’s away around that, ” replies the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee — he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.”

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires as to how things went.

“Oh doctor, it was horrible, horrible, horrible!”

What happened?” asks the doctor, aghast.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, ripped my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was horrible!”

“What was horrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not fulfilling?”

“Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to show my face at Starbucks again!”

22 / February / 2008  health, marriage, men, old, sex, women  Comentarios (0)

Doctor

I’m not sure if I’d take this doctor’s advise to heart. Remember it’s a joke, but the last paragraph has some truth. So enough of me talking rubbish, here’s the (lame) joke:

MUSIC TO OUR EARS

DON’T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM! ..

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?

Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:

No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!… Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming :

Woo Hoo, what a ride!

22 / February / 2008  funny, health  Comentarios (0)