Tag: english

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SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

And the first one from Gerry, with a load of English specific jokes:

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: ‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. ‘What are my choices?’ the man asked.  ‘Yes or no,’ she replied.
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5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.’
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4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury’s but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The assistant replied, ‘ I’m afraid not, they’re dead.’
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3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the bobby said. The kid replied, ‘Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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2nd Place

A lorry (truck) driver was driving along on a country road.A sign came up that read ‘ Low Bridge Ahead. ‘Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry’s cab and said to the driver,  ‘Got stuck, eh?’ The lorry driver said, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol (gas)!’

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When husband’s buy the wrong gift!

Ilya sent me this! I’m not posting the original file he sent me, but someone put this copy on YouTube! It appears to be an advertising for a UK site call LittleWoods Direct.

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irish

Irish Archeology

From Brendan:

Irish Archeology


After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: ‘English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.’

One week later, ‘The Kerryman,’ a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: ‘After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O’Toole, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing..

Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.’

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Sir Digby Chicken Caesar – The Complete Adventures

From Liz! From “That Mitchell and Webb Look” and comedy show on British TV:

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american british english

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

And another from Norm. I’ve seen this one a few times before, and it’s not by John Cleese, someone, somewhere, just added his name to this to make it funnier. However, it actually is kinda funny, and highlights some of the differences (and imaginary differences) between the US and the UK. Well here it is in all of it’s original glory! 🙂

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
A Message from John Cleese, British comedian to the citizens of the United States of America.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.

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irish school

Question time

Gina’s really sending out the jokes! 🙂

Teacher: ‘Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we’re going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right canhave Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.’

Little Paddy thinks, ‘Whoo hooo! I’m bleedin’ deadly at General Knowledge. This is gonna be sooo easy!’

Teacher: ‘Right class, who can tell me who said. “Don’t ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?”

Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. “Yes, Farqhuar?”

Farqhuar (in a very English accent): “Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy – inauguration speech 1960.”

Teacher: “Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday andwe will see you back in class on Tuesday.”

The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even More determined.

Teacher: ‘Who said.”We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?”

Little Paddy’s hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting “I know.I know. Me Miss, me Miss!” Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe, sitting at the front: “Yes Tarquin?”

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): “Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.”

Teacher: “Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.”

The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he’s been studying encyclopaedias all week and he’s ready for anything that comes. He’s coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: ‘”Who said ‘One small step for man, one giant leap For mankind?'”

Little Paddy’s arm shoots straight in the air, he’s standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming “Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee”

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front “Yes Rupert.”

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): “Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing.”

Teacher: ‘”Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.”

Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming:

“WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?”

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: “Who said that?” Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, “Patrick Pearse, GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss.”

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english

Two English businessmen in London

From Gina:

Two English businessmen in London – were sitting down for a break in their soon to be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other,

‘I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we’re selling.’

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Irish accent asked

‘What are you selling’ here

One of the men replied sarcastically,

‘We’re selling arse-holes.’

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,

‘You are doing well … Only two left!’

Englishmen – God bless them – should not mess with Irishmen