I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my MP3 Player.
Great one from Ernie:
Some fine advise from Ernie:
From Ernie:
Alcohol does not make you FAT – it makes you LEAN …. against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
From Ernie:
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”
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How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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And from Tom R:
And from Ilya, all about the rules of the pub:
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably
during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a
slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half
martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and
two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
From Dora:
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Let people you care about know… and tell them to Start Now!!!
There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, you’re boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!
This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK , put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Buy the antidote known as BEER .
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life. REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!!
All I can say, is thank God it’s Friday! 🙂