Categories
american women

Southern Charm

I agree with the Southern Lady, thanks Ernie:

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my God! What on earth for?”

The Southern lady responded, “Well for example, instead of saying “Who gives a shit?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious”…

Categories
heaven irish kids religion

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

A great one from Edel:

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘No!’ By now I was starting to smile.

‘Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered ‘No!’. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ‘ Then how can I get into heaven?’

A six year-old boy shouted out

“YUV GOTTA BE FuKN’ DEAD……….”

Categories
american men

Retirement Bonus

Another from Ernie!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
‘From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.’
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to ‘drop ’em,’ which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back.
Dear Lord!’ he suddenly exclaimed, ‘Where Are your testicles?’

The old Chief calmly replied, ‘ Vietnam’.

Categories
food medicine sex women

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill

The Cadbury’s Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains. They’re going to be called….

‘Pre-dick-a-mints!’

Categories
american Motorbike work

CEO of the Week

Another great joke from Ernie, I doubt if this really happened at Harley Davidson, but it’s funny.

If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting all the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On his first tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, ‘How much money do you make a week?’

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, ‘I make $400 a week. Why?’

The CEO then took out his wallet, handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, ‘Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT OF HERE and don’t come back.’

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, ‘Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here? ‘

From across the room came a voice:

Categories
food Motorbike sex

The Old Biker

A great one from Ernie! 🙂

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “may I help you?”
The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs “Why yes, yes, I sure am”.
The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/04/25/the-old-biker/

Categories
marriage sex

They’re Finally Together

From Ernie:

Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.

Then Ted died of heart disease.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Again Judy remarried, and this time

She & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

“Lord, they are finally together.”

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

“Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?”

Categories
marriage men sex women

Divorce Versus Murder

From Ernie:

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide..’

The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’

The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.. Absolutely not!

You CANNOT have any cyanide!’

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription

Categories
american politics

Doctors advice on constipation.

From Ernie:

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

“My financial and personal well being is totally in the hands of Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich, Michelle Malkin, Rush Limbaugh, Gary Bauer and Neil Cavuto.”

If that doesn’t scare the shit out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.

Categories
kids nuns religion

A Nun Grading Papers

From Ernie:

Can you imagine yourself as the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording & spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you’ll find this hilarious!  It comes from a Catholic Elementary school test; kids were asked questions about the Old & New Testaments. The following statements were written by children - THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE; GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY; BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH