In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, “one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.”
— Mark Twain
Category: old
From Edel:
An elderly couple were attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, ‘ I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?’
He replies ‘ Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’
From Diane:
AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS ….. PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
And from Jeannie! The title isn’t mine, it’s from the original e-mail. Hmmm, can I make the font bigger? 🙂
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1940’s, 50’s, 60’s 70’s
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a van – loose – was always exciting and great fun.
We drank water from the garden hose or tap and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank cordial with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because……
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. “So, how’s your sex life?”
“Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.”
“Social Security sex?”
“Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!”
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”
The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!”
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, “How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?”
She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for “small, $6,500 for “medium, $14,000 for “large.”
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.
The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever’.”
“Yeah,” she replies, “when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:
Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.”
WOMEN’S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.” He was right!
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment – killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, “Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex. He could fly.”
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband’s sex drive.
“Have you considered trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.
“Not a chance, ” says Mrs. Murphy. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.”
“No problem– there’s away around that, ” replies the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee — he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.”
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires as to how things went.
“Oh doctor, it was horrible, horrible, horrible!”
“What happened?” asks the doctor, aghast.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, ripped my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was horrible!”
“What was horrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not fulfilling?”
“Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to show my face at Starbucks again!”
Categories
The Over 30 crowd!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribe s about how hard things were when they were growing up; what, with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids to day you don’t know how good you’ve got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter…with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!