And another great one from Ernie! And I tink it will make you smile. 😉

You can’t read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It (I love that one!)

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid’s

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers? (more…)

11 / February / 2009  funny, one-liners  Comentarios (0)

Dad at the Mall …

The version of this I heard as a kid, involved Grand-dad on a bus, a punk, and the punchline had a parrot … anyways thanks to Diane for the joke!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. ‘Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son …

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/10/dad-at-the-mall

16 / January / 2009  animals, family, funny, one-liners, sex  Comentarios (0)

Thoughts to Ponder …

JUST THINK – IF THE INDIANS HAD GIVEN THE PILGRIM FATHERS A DONKEY INSTEAD OF A TURKEY, WE ALL WOULD BE HAVING A PIECE OF ASS FOR THANKSGIVING.

8 / November / 2008  american, one-liners  Comentarios (0)

Chris Columbus

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, “one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.”
— Mark Twain

16 / August / 2008  american, fortune, funny, old, one-liners, quote  Comentarios (0)

My dog!

I have a dog; I named him Stay.

So when I’d go to call him, I’d say,

“Here, Stay, here…” but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me and just keeps on typing.

— Steven Wright

31 / May / 2008  dog, fortune, one-liners  Comentarios (0)

Steven Wright!

Is one of my favorite comedians and he’s from Boston too. I’ve never seen him live, but used to have one of his performances on tape (aye that was some time ago). His humour is very droll. But, here are some of his one-liners (via the Linux fortune command):

I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, “Don’t you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?” And I said, “Yes, but I wasn’t going to be out that long.”

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

Steven Wright

1 / March / 2008  fortune, funny, one-liners  Comentarios (0)

The Perfect Man

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie:Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right – all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie:Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more…….He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.

But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake.”

Passenger: “Mmm, there’s not many like him around.”

Cabbie: “And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too – he was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie:Well, I never actually met Frank.

Passenger: “Then how do you know so much about him?”

Click to see the punch line! 🙂

(more…)

24 / February / 2008  funny, men, one-liners, women  Comentarios (0)