american fortune funny old one-liners quote

Chris Columbus

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, “one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.”
— Mark Twain

dog fortune one-liners

My dog!

I have a dog; I named him Stay.

So when I’d go to call him, I’d say,

“Here, Stay, here…” but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me and just keeps on typing.

— Steven Wright

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Jokes from Linux fortune command …

Potahto’ Pictures Productions Presents:

THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day McDonald’s restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl ‘tater) who will give birth to the world’s largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly behind this).  Most quotable line: “Ah’ll be baked…”

A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, rides into a town that’s deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers.  Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and general butter-melting by all.

FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off!  Cameo by Walter Cronkite, as every man’s common ‘tater!

fortune funny one-liners

Steven Wright!

Is one of my favorite comedians and he’s from Boston too. I’ve never seen him live, but used to have one of his performances on tape (aye that was some time ago). His humour is very droll. But, here are some of his one-liners (via the Linux fortune command):

I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, “Don’t you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?” And I said, “Yes, but I wasn’t going to be out that long.”

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

Steven Wright

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And a couple of one-liners from Fortune!

You think Oedipus had a problem — Adam was Eve’s mother.

“All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.”
— Saint Patrick

fortune Light Blub


From the Linux fortune command:

Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I’ll have to get back to you on that.