I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my MP3 Player.
From Ernie! This is pretty funny, but does that whole cliqued thing about how Italians speak English. You could replace Italian with just any other natonality or creed and it’d still be funny (you’d just need to change the wording a wee bit). This is one of those jokes that might be funnier if it didn’t try and make fun of Italians, as the situation could be generalized into any naive sheltered woman getting married.
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her;
‘Don’t worry, Maria, Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you..
Meanwhile, I’ll be making pasta.’
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.’
‘Don’t worry, Maria,’ says the mother, ‘all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. ‘Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!’
And a few more from Edel about Paddy travelling:
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.
He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!’
Paddy handed his drink back & said ‘Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!’
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks ‘How many people are flying with you?’
Paddy replies ‘I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!’
http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/16/paddy-went-travelling/
And a wee poem from Edel, I’m almost sure I’ve seen this one before?
A fart, it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song……
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while……
AÂ fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But that farts are all bad,
Is simply not true
We must never forget…….
Nice old farts like you!
Kinda brings a tear to your eye – doesn’t it?
Have a Good DAY!
More from Edel! There’s been major flooding in Dublin recently (Summer 2008) and this e-mail been doing the rounds:
Several priceless collections of mementos from Benidorm and Santa Ponsa were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt cars were destroyed.
Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheque arrived.
RTE News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to the terms with the fact that the damage had not been caused by illegal means.
One resident : Alexis Crystal Duffy, a 15 year old mother of 5 said ‘It was such a F***in shock, me little wan Chardonnay Mercedes cem runnin inta me bedruem cryin, Me youngisst two Tyler Morgan an Megan Brooklyn slept tru ih all. But I was bleeedin shaken watchin F***in Rikki Laaake in da mornin’
Apparently though, looting, muggings and incidental crime did carry on as usual.
The Irish Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Strongbow, Dutch Gold, Frozen Pizzas, and John Player Blue to the area to help stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include Welfare Books and Jewelery including thousands of Sovereign Rings, many large Medallions and Hash Leaf Shaped earrings from Elizabeth Duke at Argos also Fine Bone China from Tommy’s Wonderland of Value.
This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing Parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
Thank You Very Much For Your Help.
From Edel, I think this joke came from Amerika as it mentions welfare (which they don’t call it that in Ireland) and someone modified it for their Irish friend:
At the dole office in New Ross a local traveller walked in to pick up his cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, ‘Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.’The social worker behind the counter said, ‘Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You’ll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is ˆ200,000 a year.’
The Traveller just plain wide-eyed, said, ‘ you’re bullshittin’ me!’
The social worker said, ‘ Yeah, well you started it.’
And another one, albeit a bit tasteless, from Gina:
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
Um, a wee bit tastless:
In a recent Interview regarding his divorce proceedings and future plans Paul McCartney was asked if he would consider going down on one knee again in the future, he replied,
I’d prefer it if you called her Heather.