Someone did e-mail me this! It’s humourous alright, and I’d say a lot of work went into producing this:
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Warning
There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, you’re boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!
This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK , put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Buy the antidote known as BEER .
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life. REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!!
All I can say, is thank God it’s Friday! 🙂
From Ernie:
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do.” said Bob.
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day
This wasn’t e-mailed to me, but it’s funny and I thought you’d get a kick out it. Plus, after 2 jokes where the English were the brunt of the joke (you’d never guess I’m Irish and my Irish friends e-mail me stuff like that?) I thought it was time for something poking the fun of us Irish! 🙂
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving At him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, ‘Do you know me? ‘
To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says,
‘My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made Love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your Partner whipped my butt with wet celery?
She looks into his eyes and says calmly
No, I’m your son’s teacher.
What do you call two straight days of rain in Ireland ? A weekend.
It only rains twice a year in Ireland : August through April and May through July.
What’s the definition of an Irish optimist? A guy with a sun visor on his rain hat.
“I can ‘t believe it,” said the tourist. “I’ve been here an entire week and it ‘s done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?”
“Well, that’ s hard to say,” replied the local. “Last year, it was on a Wednesday.”
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International Disturbed People’s Day
Gina’s really sending out the jokes! 🙂
Teacher: ‘Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we’re going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right canhave Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.’
Little Paddy thinks, ‘Whoo hooo! I’m bleedin’ deadly at General Knowledge. This is gonna be sooo easy!’
Teacher: ‘Right class, who can tell me who said. “Don’t ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?”
Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. “Yes, Farqhuar?”
Farqhuar (in a very English accent): “Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy – inauguration speech 1960.”
Teacher: “Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday andwe will see you back in class on Tuesday.”
The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even More determined.
Teacher: ‘Who said.”We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?”
Little Paddy’s hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting “I know.I know. Me Miss, me Miss!” Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe, sitting at the front: “Yes Tarquin?”
Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): “Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.”
Teacher: “Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.”
The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he’s been studying encyclopaedias all week and he’s ready for anything that comes. He’s coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.
Teacher: ‘”Who said ‘One small step for man, one giant leap For mankind?'”
Little Paddy’s arm shoots straight in the air, he’s standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming “Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee”
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front “Yes Rupert.”
Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): “Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing.”
Teacher: ‘”Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.”
Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming:
“WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?”
Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: “Who said that?” Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, “Patrick Pearse, GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss.”
A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota.”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. “How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says “One“.
The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says, “$101,237.65.”
The boss says, “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?”
The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?”
The kid answered
“No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot; you should go fishing.'”
And another from Gina! How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
What are you doing?
She asked.
Hunting Flies
He responded.
Oh! Killing any?
She asked.
Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,
he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
How can you tell them apart?
He responded
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone!