Categories
men religion women

Eve Needs A Man!

And an alternative Bilbical one from Ernie:

If God had created Eve first, what might have transpired:

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. “How are things, Eve?”, He asked.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied, “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I just have this one problem. It’s these breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they’re a real pain.”

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you’d need half, but I see that you are tight. I’ll fix that up right away!” and God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how’s my favorite creation?” He asked.

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment. “You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let’s see, where did I leave that useless boob?”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/02/eve-needs-a-man/

Categories
funny

First Time …

A funny teenage love story from Ernie:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such
a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. ‘Oh, I’m so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!’
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.

Categories
funny sex

7 Kinds of Sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

Categories
funny nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.

The second says, “I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone.

The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini..”

St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he asked.

“Sara Pipalini” replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

“No sister, the paper says it was the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!