This and the beer cooler are from Jeannie!
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. “So, how’s your sex life?”
“Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.”
“Social Security sex?”
“Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!”
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”
The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!”
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, “How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?”
She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for “small, $6,500 for “medium, $14,000 for “large.”
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.
The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever’.”
“Yeah,” she replies, “when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:
Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.”
WOMEN’S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.” He was right!
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment – killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, “Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex. He could fly.”
And some background on the whole Sarah Silverman/MattDamon/Jimmy Kimmel/Ben Affleck thing:
In case your not aware it’s all just a joke! 🙂
Categories
Steven Wright!
Is one of my favorite comedians and he’s from Boston too. I’ve never seen him live, but used to have one of his performances on tape (aye that was some time ago). His humour is very droll. But, here are some of his one-liners (via the Linux fortune command):
I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, “Don’t you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?” And I said, “Yes, but I wasn’t going to be out that long.”
I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.
— Steven Wright
And a couple of one-liners from Fortune!
You think Oedipus had a problem — Adam was Eve’s mother.
“All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.”
— Saint Patrick
You might need to be Irish to get this one! 🙂 But, Joe Dolan was an Irish singer whose career started in the late 1960’s and extended to his death in late 2007.
Ok, here’s the joke:
As it’s March the 1st and we’re approaching Saint Patrick’s Day (and the abberviation of Patrick is Paddy not Patty), time for some Irish jokes!
From a friend of Trish’s:
(Supposed) Actual Personal Ads in Dublin, Ireland:
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic football club, and has been known to starting fights on Patrick street at 3 am.
bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 yr. old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27th, between 8:00 pm and 11:30 pm.
optimistic mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 yr. old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
And from Liz:
“If you want a laugh, check out these clips. I guess Jimmy ends most of his shows with “My apologies to Matt Damon – we ran out of time.” His girlfriend decided to take it a bit further…”
And here’s Jimmy’s response: