Categories
marriage men women

Divorce, Marriage, Weddings …

Finally after a drought, one from Edel, it’s actually a whole bunch of jokes in one e-mail but I’m going to break it up over a few postings.

———————————————————————-

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.


He thought he was God, and
I didn’t.
———————————————————————-

Marriage is a three-ring circus:


Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
———————————————————————-
For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8.

Worn once by mistake.
———————————————————————
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

Categories
funny irish men sex women

Irish ingenuity when it comes to women

And from Brendan:

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says “how you doin?”
Paddy says ” do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.”
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy’s gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ..
He says “your dad’s sent me up here to shag the both of you “.
They say “get away with ya.. prove it.”
Mick shouts downstairs “Paddy, both of em?”

Paddy shouts back “of course both of em, what’s the point of f#ckin one?”

Categories
nuns priest religion

Ted Fest!

As we’ve had so many Father Ted video’s I thought I should mention Ted Fest!

We have photographs from the Ray Foley Show. A review from the Englush Independent newspaper. And a slideshow from the Guardian newspaper, along with news coverage.

Scores of apparently inebriated priests, the odd pope and cigarette-puffing nuns converged on Inis Mor off the west coast of Ireland at the weekend. They mingled with a multitude of aspiring Mrs Doyles.

The clerical collars and dubious habits were for the first ever Father Ted festival, convened to perpetuate the Channel 4 sitcom. The main attraction was staged yesterday afternoon on the foreshore inside Kilronan Harbour, where two five-a-side football teams – one from Inis Mor, the other from nearby Inis Oirr – competed to win their island the title of Craggy Island, Father Ted’s fictional parish. Crowds in dog collars and wimples cheered the game, which was won 2-0 by Inis Mor. The Irish betting firm Paddy Power had taken bets on the outcome as well as on the festival’s Lovely Girls contest.

Categories
marriage men women

The Man Rules

This one is from Ravi:

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all downFinally, the guys’ side of the story.( I must admit, it’s pretty good.)We always hear “the rulesfrom the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

  • Let us be clear on this one:
  • Subtle hints do not work!
  • Strong hints do not work!
  • Obvious hints do not work!
  • Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Categories
christmas english funny girls health ill men video women

When husband’s buy the wrong gift!

Ilya sent me this! I’m not posting the original file he sent me, but someone put this copy on YouTube! It appears to be an advertising for a UK site call LittleWoods Direct.

Categories
girls image men women

Traffic Question?

And another from Brendan!

Most men will get this right!
You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, with double lines, and come upon a bicycle rider. Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 21 miles, or do you break the law and pass?
Which is the correct choice?
Click below for the solution! (Slightly NSFW).

Categories
men sex women

The Sensitive Man

And from Jeannie:

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn’t mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

‘Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

‘Well,how was it?’

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

‘Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf’

Categories
girls marriage women

A little Detective

And from Edel:

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date:

“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”

“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!!”

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly,”I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

Categories
men sex women

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

And another from Gina! How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing?

She asked.

Hunting Flies

He responded.

Oh! Killing any?

She asked.

Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,

he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.

How can you tell them apart?

He responded

3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone!

Categories
car men women

Women Drivers……..a man’s view !!!

This one’s from Edel:

Driving to the office this morning on the M-50 , I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to the mirror putting on her eyeliner!!!! Shocked, I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was still putting on the make up but drifting halfway into my lane!!

It scared me so much (and this coming from a bloke….) that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the cheese roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell in to the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

F***ing Women Drivers!!!!!!!