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Golf Course Changing Room

From Ilya:

A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-functio­n and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops
to listen.
BLOKE: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
BLOKE: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
…

It’s only £1, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
BLOKE: “Sure, .. go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.”
BLOKE: “How much?”
WOMAN: “£70, 000”
BLOKE: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £950, 000”
BLOKE: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”
BLOKE: “Bye! I love you, too.” The bloke hangs up.

The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….. He smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

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american car

How To Drive In Jersey ….

This one is from Ernie, and this is exactly as I received it (messed up fonts included), and it must be old; who uses MapQuest anymore? ;). Anyhow, this does sound a lot like driving around the Boston area, or probably any metropolitan area in the US!

Seriously, there are only two things needed to drive effectively in NJ:
A horn and a middle finger.  Everything else is superfluous, including knowing where you are going.
For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there, these things may come as no surprise.  For those who haven’t traveled there before, Beware, Be Prepared and Be Afraid,,,, Be Very Afraid.
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork – rhymes with Fork, not New-ark.  Also, Trenton is not pronounced Tren-ton, it is Trent-in.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM.   Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it’s 105 or 110.  Anything less is considered “Sissy..” (Just ask the former Governor of NJ)
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules.   For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop;  the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in Monmouth and Burlington counties, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone.  EVER !  Seriously.  It’s another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey …  Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items.
9. MapQuest does NOT work here – none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.   
10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated.”
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered  a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly.  If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time – just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
SAFE DRIVING ! ! !
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american Motorbike work

CEO of the Week

Another great joke from Ernie, I doubt if this really happened at Harley Davidson, but it’s funny.

If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting all the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On his first tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, ‘How much money do you make a week?’

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, ‘I make $400 a week. Why?’

The CEO then took out his wallet, handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, ‘Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT OF HERE and don’t come back.’

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, ‘Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here? ‘

From across the room came a voice:

Continue reading “CEO of the Week”
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food Motorbike sex

The Old Biker

A great one from Ernie! 🙂

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “may I help you?”
The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs “Why yes, yes, I sure am”.
The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/04/25/the-old-biker/

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car religion

The Pope & The Limo

From Ernie:

After putting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel lightly), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today..’

‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision because, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

Continue reading “The Pope & The Limo”

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car men nuns sex

The nun and the taxi driver.

From Edel:

A cabbie  picks up a Nun.

She gets into  the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is  staring.
He  replies: ‘I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.’
She answers, ‘My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to  have sex with a nun.’

She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that:
#1, You have to be single
#2, You must be Catholic.
#3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.

The cab driver is very excited and  says, ‘Yes, I’m single,  Catholic, and I’m happy to enter from behind!’

‘OK’  the  nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’

The nun fulfills his  fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.

But when they  get back on the road, the cab driver starts  crying.

‘My dear  child,’ says the nun, ‘why are you crying?’

‘Forgive me but  I’ve sinned.  I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m  Jewish..’

Continue reading “The nun and the taxi driver.”
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car medicine police

You gotta love a good nurse…

From Edel:

THE SCENARIO OPENS AS:

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.  Worried that he may have had a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough that he could see what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:

Continue reading “You gotta love a good nurse…”
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british car funny irish

Car for sale!

And a funny one from Peter! Not sure if this is really, for real, or even in Ireland, the lighthouse doesn’t look like the style of lighthouse in Ireland. And the photograph looks kinda doctored, as the rocks and cliffs look very clear, but the rest of the island looks blurry.

Read text first!
The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish Newspaper..!

1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf

Only 15 km

Only first gear and reverse used

Never driven hard

Original tires

Original brakes

Original fuel and oil

Only 1 driver Owner

Wishing to sell due to employment lay-off

Please see Attached photo….. (scroll down to the next page)

Wait for it…..

This is good…….

Continue reading “Car for sale!”
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car men women

Women Drivers……..a man’s view !!!

This one’s from Edel:

Driving to the office this morning on the M-50 , I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to the mirror putting on her eyeliner!!!! Shocked, I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was still putting on the make up but drifting halfway into my lane!!

It scared me so much (and this coming from a bloke….) that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the cheese roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell in to the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

F***ing Women Drivers!!!!!!!