Category: funny

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drink family funny irish

Irish whiskey

From Ilya:

This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two. This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says,

“You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you.”

The other gentleman replies,

“No, I prefer it this way. See, I’m very close to my two brothers. They’re both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together.”

The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He’s gotten to know this guy over the month and finally feels it necessary to ask.

“Is everything alright?”

the bartender asked.

“What do you mean?”

replied the gentleman. The bartender said,

“Well, all these months you’ve ordered three drinks. Now you’ve only ordered two. Something didn’t happen to one of your brothers, did it?”

“No, they’re okay. It’s just that I quit drinking.”

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drink funny irish marriage men religion sex women

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007

And another great one from Ernie, supposed this was voted best joke in Ireland in 2007:

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!’
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.’
She said, ‘Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?’
John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’
‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’
She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’
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funny riddle

Riddles!

And some riddles from Ernie:

These ARE THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE EVER SEEN….THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM. RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING. IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMER’S FOR YEARS!!

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Fin ally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
Give it a good try before you look at the answers.

Continue reading “Riddles!”
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american dog funny

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET

And a great one all the from Gina in Florida:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Continue reading “HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET”
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funny technology

The Other Stall

And from Ernie:

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
‘Hi, how are you?’

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don’t know wh at got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
‘Doin’ just fine!’

And the other person says:
‘So what are you up to?’

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
‘Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!’

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another que stion.
‘Can I come over?’

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
‘No…….I’m a little busy right now!!!’

Then I hear the person say
nervously….

‘Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

Categories
funny men

Today’s fortune

From Ilya:

Q: What’s the difference between the 1950’s and the 1990’s?

A: In the 90’s, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly,

“I’d like some condoms”

And then, leaning over the counter, whispers,

“and some cigarettes”

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funny wisedom

Chain E-mails!

From Ernie:

I’m Still waiting….

I did what you told me..

I sent the email to 10 people like you said .

I’m still waiting for that miracle to happen.


To all my friends who in the last year sent me best ‘wishes’, chain letters, ‘angel’ letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,
NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!
For 2008, could you please just send money, chocolate, movie tickets, gasoline vouchers or airline tickets instead?
Thank you
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funny italian sport

Italian Soccer Training

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american drink funny government irish politics

Amen!

And from Tom R:

We here in Ireland, can’t figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer, who is married to a bitch, who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman, who owns a beer distributorship.

What are you lads thinking over there?

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funny irish men sex women

Irish ingenuity when it comes to women

And from Brendan:

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says “how you doin?”
Paddy says ” do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.”
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy’s gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ..
He says “your dad’s sent me up here to shag the both of you “.
They say “get away with ya.. prove it.”
Mick shouts downstairs “Paddy, both of em?”

Paddy shouts back “of course both of em, what’s the point of f#ckin one?”