From Edel:
From Ernie:
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Â Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. Â You better roll him over.’
The mortician rolls him over and Cooter says, ‘Nope, ain’t Stanley .’
The mortician thinks this is rather strange, so he brings Gomer in to  confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looks at the body and says, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.’
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, ‘No, it ain’t Stanley ‘
The mortician asks, ‘How can you tell?’
Gomer says, ‘Well, Stanley had two assholes.’
‘What? Â He had two assholes?’ asks the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say:
A great one from Norm!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Original Post at “Apple Does it Again!“
Great one from Ernie:
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on……..
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a
stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight .
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news..
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa:
half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe:
well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value..
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain:
very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece:
gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain:
with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel:
has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada : self-
preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet:
wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.
THE END.
Another from Ernie!
The old Chief calmly replied, ‘ Vietnam’.
From Ernie:
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide..’
The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’
The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!’
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription
From Ernie:
1 • TRANSFUSIONS: American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
…Just thought you’d like to know.
2 • CONFESSIONAL: An old man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I’m Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I’m telling everybody!