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american women

Southern Charm

I agree with the Southern Lady, thanks Ernie:

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my God! What on earth for?”

The Southern lady responded, “Well for example, instead of saying “Who gives a shit?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious”…

Categories
food medicine sex women

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill

The Cadbury’s Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains. They’re going to be called….

‘Pre-dick-a-mints!’

Categories
marriage men sex women

Divorce Versus Murder

From Ernie:

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide..’

The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’

The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.. Absolutely not!

You CANNOT have any cyanide!’

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription

Categories
animals marriage medicine men old priest women

5 Short Ones

From Ernie:

1 • TRANSFUSIONS: American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

…Just thought you’d like to know.
2  • CONFESSIONAL: An old man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.  Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man: I’m Jewish

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Man: I’m telling everybody!

Categories
american kids marriage medicine men money sex women

Different ways

From Ernie:
1 – Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Leroy replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”

2 – A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’ The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

3 – ‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

4 – A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

Categories
food men sex women

The Black Bra

From Ernie:

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went:

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said.

“What’s for dinner, Batman?”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/02/19/the-black-bra

Categories
men women

Men are like …

Another man-basher joke from Ernie! I mean Ernie how could you! 😉

  1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
  2. Men are like. Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are
  3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
  4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
  5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Categories
marriage men sex women

Men!

Ernie sent me this one, I think our female readers will enjoy it!

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.

Here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. WHY?

Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Categories
men women

Golf Accident.

From Ernie!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’ she told him.

‘Nooo, no, I’ll be all right. Just give me a few minutes,’ the man gasped. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel?’

Categories
italian marriage tasteless women

ITALIAN VIRGIN

From Ernie! This is pretty funny, but does that whole cliqued thing about how Italians speak English. You could replace Italian with just any other natonality or creed and it’d still be funny (you’d just need to change the wording a wee bit). This is one of those jokes that might be funnier if it didn’t try and make fun of Italians, as the situation could be generalized into any naive sheltered woman getting married.

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

‘Don’t worry, Maria, Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you..

Meanwhile, I’ll be making pasta.’

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.’

‘Don’t worry, Maria,’ says the mother, ‘all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. ‘Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!’