Category: money

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Golf Course Changing Room

From Ilya:

A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-functio­n and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops
to listen.
BLOKE: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
BLOKE: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
…

It’s only £1, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
BLOKE: “Sure, .. go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.”
BLOKE: “How much?”
WOMAN: “£70, 000”
BLOKE: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £950, 000”
BLOKE: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”
BLOKE: “Bye! I love you, too.” The bloke hangs up.

The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….. He smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

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Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

And another bad Irish joke from Edel. Funny how only Irish people send me jokes about the Irish!

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

“You’ve done very well so far,”
Said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,
“But for a million euro you’ve only got one life-line left a phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question….. Will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”

“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?”

“I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick,

”so I’ll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .”

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

“Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple……
It’s a cuckoo.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m fookin sure.”

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
“I’ll go wit Cuckoo as my answer.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.

“Dat it is, Sir.”

There was a long – long pause, and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you’ve won 1 million euro!”

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

“Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven’s name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

Continue reading “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”
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Different ways

From Ernie:
1 – Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Leroy replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”

2 – A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’ The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

3 – ‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

4 – A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

Continue reading “Different ways”
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american kids money old politics

Washington …

From Dora:

A little boy wanted $100..00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to:

God, USA

They decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy …

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

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Colin and the croc

Our first joke from Sean G. (via Facebook):

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Colin, the only Aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ. At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 15 ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.’

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, ‘Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’
‘Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,’ said Colin.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then’ ‘No thanks. I don’t want it,’ answered Colin.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
Again, Colin said no..

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Colin, then what do you want?

Continue reading “Colin and the croc”
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money

Letter to the Bank

From Ernie:

Dear Sirs:
One of my checks was returned marked “insufficient funds”.
In view of current events in the banking market,
does that refer to me, or to you?

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money

Investment tips for 2008

And more from Ernie! 🙂

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get    in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become:

Poly, Warner Cracker

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood

4.) Zippo Manufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa .

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP.

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild.

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants.

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

Knott NOW!

And finally….

9.)  Victoria’s Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:

Continue reading “Investment tips for 2008”