Category: women

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american women

INDIANS DON’T USE SADDLES….

Ernie’s really been forwarding out the jokes recently:
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.

‘What did you do to get that Indian so excited?’ asked the service-station attendant. ‘Nothing,’ the woman answered.

‘I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.’

‘Lady,’ the attendant said, ‘Indians don’t use saddles’ !!!!!!!!!!

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Men Are Just Happier People!

And here’ssss one from Danny:

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectiona tely refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it’s only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Continue reading “Men Are Just Happier People!”
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Rome Trip

A great one from Ernie:

This is something to think about when negative people  are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next  time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

‘Rome? Why would anyone want to go  there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome … So, how are you  getting there?’

‘We’re taking Continental,’ was the reply. ‘We got a great rate!’

‘Continental?’ exclaimed the hairdresser. ‘That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?’

‘We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.’

‘Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and  they’re overpriced.  So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?’

‘We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.’

‘That’s rich,’ laughed the hairdresser. ‘You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.’

A month  later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

‘It was wonderful,’ explained the woman, ‘not only  were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were  wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand  and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million  remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at  no extra charge!’

‘Well,’ muttered the hairdresser, ‘that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the  Pope.’

‘Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.’

‘Oh, really! What’d he say?’

He said: ‘Where’d you get the shitty hairdo?’

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priest women

Tea with the Pastor

Ernie’s really on a roll:

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ pointing to the bowl..
‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’
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Women!

And more from Edel:

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

————————————————————
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

‘Look Miss,’ said the foreman, ‘have you any actual experience  in picking lemons?’

‘Well, as a matter if fact, yes!’ she replied.? ‘I’ve been divorced three times.’
————————————————————
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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marriage men women

Divorce, Marriage, Weddings …

Finally after a drought, one from Edel, it’s actually a whole bunch of jokes in one e-mail but I’m going to break it up over a few postings.

———————————————————————-

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.


He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
———————————————————————-

Marriage is a three-ring circus:


Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
———————————————————————-
For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8.

Worn once by mistake.
———————————————————————
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

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How to treat a woman or a man.

From Ernie:

How to treat a woman:
Wine her.  Dine her.  Call her. Hold her.  Surprise her. Compliment her.  Smile at her.  Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her.  Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her.  Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand.  Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

How to Treat a Man::

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don’t block the TV.
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Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007

And another great one from Ernie, supposed this was voted best joke in Ireland in 2007:

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!’
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.’
She said, ‘Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?’
John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’
‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’
She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’
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girls sex women

Woman’s Life Cycle

And from Ernie:

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78

At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

At 78 — What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

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funny irish men sex women

Irish ingenuity when it comes to women

And from Brendan:

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says “how you doin?”
Paddy says ” do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.”
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy’s gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ..
He says “your dad’s sent me up here to shag the both of you “.
They say “get away with ya.. prove it.”
Mick shouts downstairs “Paddy, both of em?”

Paddy shouts back “of course both of em, what’s the point of f#ckin one?”