Market Research & Vaseline.

And our first joke from Pat!

A man doing market research knocks on a door. He is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around. “I’m doing research for Vaseline,” he says:

“Do you use it?”
“Yes, We use it for sex”.

The researcher is a little taken back.

“Can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”

The woman says:

“My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.”

1 / December / 2010  funny, sex  Comentarios (0)

3 Old Grannies!

Three old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,

“We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man said,

“There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”

One of the old Grandmas said,

“Sure we can! – Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said,

“You’re 87 years old!”

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

“How in the world did you guess?”

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison… (more…)

30 / November / 2010  men, old, women  Comentarios (0)

Only a mother would know …

One from Ilya.

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me I was maybe 2 and a half years old. Someone had given me a little ’tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ’just the cutest thingl’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for my Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know) (more…)

15 / November / 2010  family, food, kids  Comentarios (0)

Morning Sex

This is one of the funniest jokes I’ve received in a while. Thanks for the Ernie!

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, (more…)

14 / November / 2010  food, marriage, sex  Comentarios (0)

For all the Blondies

Sorry, another bad blonde joke, from Ernie!

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Tasmania, Australia.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being! Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people! Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general… and all in the name of humour!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mate! I’m talking to that little shit on your lap!!!”

14 / November / 2010  Australian, blonde  Comentarios (0)

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

And another bad Irish joke from Edel. Funny how only Irish people send me jokes about the Irish!

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

“You’ve done very well so far,”
Said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,
“But for a million euro you’ve only got one life-line left a phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question….. Will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”

“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?”

“I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick,

”so I’ll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .”

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

“Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple……
It’s a cuckoo.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m fookin sure.”

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
“I’ll go wit Cuckoo as my answer.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.

“Dat it is, Sir.”

There was a long – long pause, and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you’ve won 1 million euro!”

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

“Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven’s name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

(more…)

24 / July / 2010  irish, men, money, tv  Comentarios (0)

Her Fourth Husband!

From Ernie:

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. (more…)

26 / February / 2010  dead, marriage, men, priest, women  Comentarios (0)

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but certainly not least: (more…)

7 / February / 2010  dog, marriage, women  Comentarios (0)

“Hollywood Squares”…

From Ernie!

These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years…

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? (more…)

20 / December / 2009  american, tv  Comentarios (0)

Paddy’s chat up lines

From Edel:

  1. Did ya fart? ‘Cos ya just blew me away!
  2. Are your parents retarded? ‘Cos your special!
  3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
  4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? ‘Cos I can see myself in them!
  5. Your body reminds me of a spanner (wrench). Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
  6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
6 / December / 2009  irish, men, sex, women  Comentarios (0)
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