Police Stop

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”

29 / May / 2011  drink, marriage, men, old, police, women  Comentarios (0)

A little late…..

This is cute……….even if you are a democrat or republican.

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, ‘I want to go to Disney World & Dubya said, ‘No problem, I’ll take you there on Air Force One.’

The second kid said, ‘I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.

Dubya said, ‘I’ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.’

The third kid said, ‘ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.’

George was a little perplexed by this and said, ‘But you don’t look like you’re handicapped. (more…)

12 / May / 2011  american, police  Comentarios (0)

10 things NOT to say to the cops!

Some fine advise from Ernie:

  1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
  2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in
  3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
  4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
  5. Are You Andy or Barney?
  6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
  7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
  8. I pay your salary! (more…)
25 / January / 2009  police  Comentarios (0)

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

And the first one from Gerry, with a load of English specific jokes:

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: ‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. ‘What are my choices?’ the man asked.  ‘Yes or no,’ she replied.
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5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.’
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4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury’s but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The assistant replied, ‘ I’m afraid not, they’re dead.’
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3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the bobby said. The kid replied, ‘Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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2nd Place

A lorry (truck) driver was driving along on a country road.A sign came up that read ‘ Low Bridge Ahead. ‘Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry’s cab and said to the driver,  ‘Got stuck, eh?’ The lorry driver said, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol (gas)!’

(more…)

19 / September / 2008  english, funny, police, school, sex  Comentarios (0)

Tomato Garden

This one’s from Edel, I’m pretty sure I saw this one before except the main characters are Irish.

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He  wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was  hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old  man wrote a letter to his son and described his  predicament.

[] Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty  badly because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this  year. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be  happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he  received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Don’t dig up that  garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.

Love,  Vinnie

At 4:00 a.m. the next morning F.B.I. agents and local  police arrived and dug up the entire garden without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man  received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead  and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the  circumstances.

Love you,  Vinnie

24 / August / 2008  italian, police  Comentarios (0)

You gotta love a good nurse…

From Edel:

THE SCENARIO OPENS AS:

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.  Worried that he may have had a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough that he could see what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:

(more…)

7 / July / 2008  car, medicine, police  Comentarios (1)