Category: men
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession, a funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line!
The man couldn’t stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog.
“I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?”
The man replied
“Well, that first coffin is for my wife.”
What happened to her??!
The man replied
“My dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further
“Well, who is in the second coffin?”
The man answered
“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also.”
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement
“Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied
“Join the queue.”
Categories
The Perfect Man
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right – all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more…….He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.
But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake.”
Passenger: “Mmm, there’s not many like him around.”
Cabbie: “And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too – he was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank.”
Passenger: “Then how do you know so much about him?”
Click to see the punch line! 🙂
And Quentin Tarantino’s take on it, there is some foul language used:
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband’s sex drive.
“Have you considered trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.
“Not a chance, ” says Mrs. Murphy. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.”
“No problem– there’s away around that, ” replies the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee — he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.”
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires as to how things went.
“Oh doctor, it was horrible, horrible, horrible!”
“What happened?” asks the doctor, aghast.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, ripped my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was horrible!”
“What was horrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not fulfilling?”
“Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to show my face at Starbucks again!”
Warning
There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, you’re boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!
This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK , put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Buy the antidote known as BEER .
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life. REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!!
All I can say, is thank God it’s Friday! 🙂
From Ernie:
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do.” said Bob.
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving At him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, ‘Do you know me? ‘
To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says,
‘My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made Love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your Partner whipped my butt with wet celery?
She looks into his eyes and says calmly
No, I’m your son’s teacher.
A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota.”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. “How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says “One“.
The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says, “$101,237.65.”
The boss says, “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?”
The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?”
The kid answered
“No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot; you should go fishing.'”
And another from Gina! How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
What are you doing?
She asked.
Hunting Flies
He responded.
Oh! Killing any?
She asked.
Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,
he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
How can you tell them apart?
He responded
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone!